Waiting for Cycle 19

I know cycle 19 is just around the corner. I am starting to not feel well, so I know it's only a matter of a few hours.

I'm tired of the waiting. I was hopeful that maybe this cycle, just maybe, it would work out and it would happen for us. Then we wouldn't have to go through IVF. Now I just want to hurry up and have the IVF cycle get here. It's this limbo part that I can't stand. I feel like I'm sitting back doing nothing, you know?

I've been pretty down. I'm feeling lonely, too. I just wish someone would ask how I'm doing with it all without me having to be the one to bring it up. I feel like everyone is probably sick of hearing me talk about it, so I've tried to stop. But I end up keeping it all inside and feeling bad like I do now.

I wish I could go away for a few days. Maybe take a mini vacation. I know the holidays are around the corner, but I have a feeling they won't be very restful.

Saving $$$

I don't really have a lot to post about right now. We have told some of our family that we are moving onto IVF. It definitely makes it feel more real! We've started saving - we are actually competing with each other to see how much we can save! I know - pretty corny - but if it gets us to our goal, that's great, right?

I made Christmas ornaments and I'm selling them at craft shows. I may ask if I can sell them at work, too. I'm going to try to sell some things on Ebay, too. That may help bring in a couple hundred of dollars. It's so hard trying to save money right before Christmas.

We're probably going to another adoption meeting this week. We'll get to meet people who have adopted from other countries. Next month this particular agency, is having a meeting about domestic adoption, too.

IVF...Here We Come!!!

Well, we met with my RE tonight. She was great. She looked over Steve's results from the urologist and spoke with us about them. We also talked about how I've done 4 IUIs. I've tried Clomid (which worked well at producing follicles, but made me feel lousy) and Letrazole/Femara (which I felt okay on, but didn't help me with having a better ovulation.)

She said we could try an IUI with 1/2 Clomid and 1/2 injectables, but she really recommends InVitro with ICSI. My husband and I decided that we are going to save up for the IVF. After doing 4 unsuccessful IUIs already, I am hesitant to do another one. My doctor also said that because I responded so well to the Clomid, I could end up producing too many follicles on the Clomid/injectables. She said she definitely wouldn't do all injects with me; I would probably have to cancel the cycle because of overproducing follicles. Anyway, she suggests that we wait until we have DH's insurance and then proceed to IVF.

I am relieved to have a plan of action. She was so great - she suggested taking some time over the next couple of months to just be with each other - to hang out, go to dinner, spend time together....it was really nice to hear her say that. She wasn't saying that it would solve our fertility issue; she was just saying that it can be therapeutic, too. I'm so happy to know what direction we're going. (Nervous, too, but still happy.)

Lots of things to think about

Steve saw a urologist on the 16th and had a prostate ultrasound done. The doctor suspects that some of the issues we are dealing with developed after medical procedures that were done when he was about 4 years old. He does think that we will be able to get pregnant, but only with the help of an RE (reproductive endocrinologist.)

We are going back to talk to my RE. I'm not sure if we should try one more IUI with injectables or just move onto IVF. The urologist wouldn't give us an opinion on the IUI but did say he thought we should look into IVF with ICSI.

We're both doing okay today, but I had a really hard time dealing with things this past weekend.

DH and I are actually going to go to an adoption question/answer meeting this week. I'm looking forward to it. I'm hoping to get some information so I'll feel a bit more informed if we decide that's the route we want to take.

We're onto Cycle #17.

Cycle #16...Cycle Day 29.

My cycles range from 23 days to 28 days. They average 26. So here I am on day 29, with only negative pregnancy tests to show for it. I ovulated later this month, for some bizarre reason. I have had cramping for the past 3-4 days, but no period. I had been so incredibly positive these last few days, but with today's negative tests I'm losing hope. I came home with a headache. I'm just so....tired. Tired of the hoping, tired of the waiting. Tired of being let down. Tired of the wishful thinking. Tired of the questions. Tired of going back to the doctor again and again. Tired of feeling like I have failed. I'm just to point where I don't know what to do. I'm trying everything we can do at this point - clomid, femara, ovidrel, IUIs, and acupuncture. Why is this so hard? I just want to be a mom. It feels like such a far away thing at this point.

AARRRGGGHHHH

I have to go in for a 3rd ultrasound tomorrow. My follicles weren't big enough when I was at my appointment on Saturday.

TTC for 16 cycles...

I am on CD 14 right now. I have to go in for a second ultrasound tomorrow morning. When I went in on Thursday, I had 2 follicles. Both were at 13 mm. Not big enough. I have never ovulated this late before - it's very weird. Oh well. My IUI will probably be on Monday.

We're trying Femara again this month. We'll see if it works for us. This is my second time trying it.

Tomorrow is my pg blood test. I think it's going to be negative. My temperature dipped down today, so unless it shoots back up again tomorrow morning, I'm out.

I feel lousy. Sore throat and I'm exhausted. I wish I had cancelled the blood test.

The wait

I'm in the 2 week wait right now. I'm probably about 5-6 dpo. I had a blood test for my progesterone done yesterday and the results were fine. The RE's office wants me to come in for a blood pregnancy test next Saturday. I don't think I want to go. I feel so sad when I get the phone call to tell me that I'm not pregnant. I'm thinking that I may cancel the appointment and just call them to schedule one if I'm actually late. It might save me a little bit from feeling so hurt.