Where have I been?

I guess I’ve missing from action for a while.   We have had a lot going on here, I guess.  I have been sort of keeping up with reading blogs, but I haven’t been keeping up on my own. 

Let’s see…in my last post I mentioned that Zoe’s birth grandparents and her uncle were moving.  They were able to visit the weekend before the big move, so we were happy to get to see them.  We spent some time at their house and then had lunch together.  They suggested we go to a restaurant that wasn’t really close to them, but it was convenient for a shopping trip they needed to do after lunch.  We followed them and as we pulled up in the parking lot, I realized it was the same restaurant Steve and I ate dinner at the day Zoe was born and when we met for the first time.  It was definitely a feeling of deja-vu but sort of full-cirle, too since this time we were together.  The only thing that could have made it even more perfect was if her birthmom had been able to be with us, too.  We had a great lunch (although Zoe was definitely acting a bit shy and she was tired.)  After hugs in the parking lot, we drove down the street to show Zoe the hospital she was born at.  And yes, I took pictures of her in front of the sign. 

A picture of artwork Zoe made for them.  It’s cropped a lot to delete their names for privacy.

Tired out from the drive

We have had busy days at preschool and visits with my family.  We have had a fair bit of snow like most of the country.  It’s given Zoe a lot of time to practice her shoveling skills!  It’s been nice, too, because she’s helped me help out some of the neighbors with their shoveling, too.  She likes to be a big helper.

She’s developed a really big interest in anything space-related over the last month.  We have made many trips to the library to help out with that!

For the past month she has been super excited for Valentine’s Day.  We started a countdown calendar (which will now have to become a countdown for Easter.)  She helped hang hearts all over our windows and decorate with lots of pictures.

She made some Valentine gifts and got those in the mail.

modeling the necklace she made for Z, her birthmom

She was excited about the Valentine mail she received over the last week, including a special gift from Mom-Mom Cheryl, Aunt Tracy, and her birthmom, Z.

posing with “Valentine,”  her new bear from Z

She spent a night at Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Janice’s this week while I spent the day at the hospital with a cousin who was having surgery.  She’s doing well. 

Zoe developed a cough over the weekend and it went to just-when-she-laid-down kind of cough to a much more frequent cough.  Tuesday night was really rough, so she ended up staying home from preschool and missing her Valentine’s party.  I felt so bad (I still remember missing my Kindergarten Valentine’s party when I had eye surgery.)  The last thing I wanted was for her to miss it, but she was coughing so much and really needed to rest.

We stopped at her school today and picked up her Valentine’s from her buddies. 

This was what Zoe gave her friends and family:

And finally, a picture from today.  Still a bit under-the-weather but hopefully on the mend.  Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you!

Change

Last Thursday was really nice here – the snow was actually melting.  It was warm enough where you could actually be outside and it was comfortable.  Zoe and I decided to get outside for the day, and we went to the zoo.

We had a great day – I  think we were there for at least 3 1/2 hours.  She asked lots of questions and kept wanting to see more “aminals.” 

I don’t know if it was the weather change or just coincidence, but Friday the sniffles started for her.  Steve and I had plans to run to dinner and a store.  My sister, Janice, babysat, and Zoe was very low-key.  Definitely not her usual, playful self. 

By Sunday afternoon she was really sniffly and starting to get that ‘croaky’ sound to her voice.  She was coughing a lot because of her runny nose, and I ended up sitting up with her for quite a while that night.  She kept saying, “I sick…”  She could sleep if she was up in my arms.  She stayed home from preschool on Monday and took it easy.  We stayed home yesterday and it seemed like she was feeling better, but last night she started coughing again.  She coughed off and on throughout the night.  I kept her home from preschool again today because I really felt like maybe she needed the extra day to feel better.  She’s napping (hopefully) right now.  I think it is just a cold at this point (she had a sinus infection back in November and this hasn’t been as bad as that.)  I have been extra cautious, though, because I know the flu has been so bad this year.

I am hoping that she is on the mend soon.  We are supposed to go see her birth-grandma, grandpa, and uncles this weekend.  We are not sure of all of the details, but it sounds like they are preparing for a move out of state.  I had written about Zoe’s birthmom  moving out of state a couple of months ago, too.  It’s hard.   We had been used to more frequent visits – this past year was every 2-3 months or so – with Zoe’s birthmom so it’s been a change.  We’re hoping to see her when we can work out a visit between Steve’s work schedule and her school schedule.  We think of her so often, and Zoe talks about her, too.  She points her out in pictures around our house and says her name when we see almost anything Hello Kitty.  (They both love Hello Kitty….love that they share that.)  We all miss her.

Change is hard sometimes, isn’t it?  I like to think I am a very flexible person, but I think that change is still difficult.  Hoping that all of these changes for Zoe’s birth mom and her family are all really positive and lead them in directions that make them happy.  Because really that’s what’s important.

2012 Best of Open Adoption Blogs

Heather Schade who blogs at Open Adoption Bloggers has just announced The Best of Open Adoption Blogs 2012.  She encourages bloggers to submit a piece of their own work from that previous year as well as nominate another blogger whose writing you admire.  I submitted a piece that I wrote about Insecurities and Doubts about Adopting.  Recently I had read a post by Jenna from The Chronicles of Munchkinland.  I wanted to recognize her work,  particularly her post entitled This Year’s December Goal:  To Be.  There are so many great blogs out there about open adoption -  I highly recommend checking out the list of blogs written by adoptees, birthmothers, and adoptive mothers!

Visit with Zoe’s birth family

A week or two ago, Zoe’s birth grandma asked me if they could come for a visit.  We were really excited to hear from her and said that we would love to see them.  Zoe’s birth grandma, grandpa, and one of her uncles came over.  It was so great to see them.  Zoe was literally jumping up and down and squealing when I told her they had just pulled up in front of the house. 

We visited, shared what has been going on in our lives, and gave them an early Christmas gift. 

Zoe had worked on a handmade ornament with me, and we had put a picture of her in another ornament for them to hang on their tree.  We also had Christmas pictures taken, so we included one of those and a couple other handmade projects.  They brought Zoe a gift that she almost didn’t take off for bed – a Snow White costume and tiara.  They also brought her a Snow White tea set that her birth grandpa picked out and a cookie-making kit for all of us.  Zoe had a great time playing with her uncle.  It was so cute to watch them. 

After visiting at our house, we went out to lunch (and yes, Zoe wore her costume to the restaurant!) and spent some more time catching up.  I am so grateful to be able to spend the time with them, and so happy that they can see how much Zoe is growing up.  I wish her birth mom had been able to be here, too, with all of us.  She is still out of state for school.  We miss her so much.

Having an open adoption has been such a great thing for our family.  We are so glad that they are a part of our lives and that we are a part of theirs. 

Missing someone at Christmas

I dropped Zoe off at preschool, ran to Target, and drove home. As I turned down our street, I saw an ambulance sitting there at the base of someone’s driveway.  My heart quickened as I thought of the people inside the house.  I don’t know them, but I can only imagine how scared they must be if someone was so sick or hurt that they had to call 911.  I said a prayer as I drove by that I hoped everyone was going to be okay. 

It made me start to think about my Aunt Pat and how she had a heart attack right before the holidays.  She was my mom’s sister and my Godmother.  She thought she had indigestion or something, and it turned out to be much worse.   She was in the hospital over Christmas and passed away a few weeks afterwards.  My Uncle Johnny, Aunt Pat’s husband, passed away days before Christmas, too.

I miss my aunt, uncle, and my grandparents so much, especially this time of year. So many things remind me of them.  I have my grandma’s Christmas tree (that my mom made)  in Zoe’s room.  It’s topped with a little snowflake ‘star’ that she crocheted.  (I pulled it out of her room for this picture because she was napping when I took it.)

And I was just telling Zoe yesterday how my grandpa would have laughed at how she seems to be hungrier lately; he used to say to us, “Are you eating again?!”  Making cookies always reminds me of my Aunt Pat and how she’d make bon-bon cookies – they were my favorite.  I can picture my Uncle Johnny laughing at all of the silly things Zoe does.  My aunt, uncle, and my grandparents would love Zoe so much.  I know they do; I just wish they could be here with us so that she could get to know them.  They were all such special people. 

I don’t say it often enough, but I really appreciate my family.  I hope they know how I feel.  I am so glad that they are so involved in our life and with our daughter.  I am very lucky to have them.

Adoption Blogger Interview Project–Interview with Kelly

This is my first year participating in Production, Not Reproduction’s Adoption Blogger Interview Project.  There are over 100 participants(adoptive parents, birthparents, and adoptees), so after you are done reading my interview here, you can head over here to check out the rest:  2012 Participants.

How does it work?  Well, a couple of weeks ago, I saw a post about the project on the blog mentioned above, Production, Not Reproduction.  I asked if I could be one of the interviewers and interviewees (is that a word?), and I was matched with Kelly at her blog, Surprised by Hope.  She blogs about their journey to adopt and the wonderful relationship and open adoption they have with their daughter, S’s, firstmom/birthmom, Momma A.  They are currently waiting to adopt a second time.  It was really great reading her blog from start to finish – she writes in a very straight-from-the-heart way.  She talks about the hurdles and low moments and shares the highlights and amazing moments as well.  Here’s our interview:

1- On your blog, you share a lot about your journey to become parents and how you are in the process of waiting to adopt again right now. Can you share a little bit about the adoption of your daughter and particularly your decision to have an open adoption?

We actually started out for a waiting child in Taiwan because we were apprehensive about open adoption. When that didn't go as planned, we were asked if we'd be interested in a special needs baby boy in the States. It was then that we really started researching more real life stories of open adoption. We had read about the differences in closed and open adoption. But I had started meeting adult adoptees more frequently and the recurring theme in their stories the desire to see what their birth families looked like, who they were as people, and to know some part of their birth family's story. And it really touched my heart and I started understanding that desire and wanting to fulfill that desire for our future child, to know all of their story. Honestly the moment we met Momma A we knew open adoption was right for our family. We met her once before S arrived and I roomed in with her at the hospital(her request). Those 3 days were very special for us.

As you mentioned above we are now waiting for our second child and we will be adopting through the foster care system. Because of how the children come into care most of the time we may or may not have any openness with their biological families. This has been a daily struggle for us because we love our openness with S's first family. It's interesting looking back at how far we've come.

2-At one point on your blog you wrote about feeling torn at times about what to share or how much to share. I often feel like that as well. Can you explain why you feel torn and how do you decide what is okay to write about?

I do feel very torn about what to share and where the boundaries should be. I've had several discussions with other adoptive moms about whether I share too much or if we are sharing an okay amount with the world. This is of course our family blog, and it's a place to write our story for S and our future children. Life is full of happy and sad times. Lately I've slowed in my writing, not because there's nothing to write, but because a lot of our story this past year has been heartbreaking and I want our blog to be uplifting and encouraging.

In regards to S's story some parts of it are hers alone, and I feel that there are some things she should get to choose, when she's old enough to understand, what she will share with others. That is one reason I do not disclose her birth mother's name or her family members names or their photos. I usually ask myself as I'm working on a blog what would I want others to know if I where in S's shoes.

3-Several of your posts touch on how you are a transracial family. You write about how you try to incorporate aspects of S's first family's culture and heritage into your life. Can you explain how you do that? What have you shared with your daughter from your heritage? (For example, do you have special traditions?)

We have tried to incorporate her first family's heritage and culture as much as we can. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe that without divulging too much of her personal story and giving away some of Momma A's personal information too. So, one way was to teach S from infancy the language that her extended first family speaks at home. While I am by no means fluent, I thought her what I knew and she picked up everything I knew by the time she was 14-15 months old. Of course S refuses to speak it now that she's in preschool! When I try to speak it she tells me, in English(with a Southern drawl, heaven help me), "Mommy, I don't want to say your ABC's!!!" *Sigh* At least I know that it will help her in the future learn other languages, or that's what I am telling myself for all the time and money we invested to brush up my language skills! Also I learned recipes for some of her first families meals and S LOVED them! So I try to add them into our rotation of meals.

But by far the thing I do that I believe ties into her African American culture is her hair. I have spent a lot of time researching online and practicing with more products than I can count to make her hair be something she is proud of. It is blatantly obvious that I'm Vanilla and she's Chocolate(her words), and I want her to be proud of her chocolate skin and spiral curls. It really has been a very special bonding time for us as well. She LOVES her hair, and she loves to ask for her favorite hairdos, particularly beads. And it's the times we are out in public and an African American Momma or Grandma come up and ask where I take her to get her hair done and S tells them that Mommy does her hair with a big grin on her face that I know she loves her hair and we are doing a good job in that area.

Momma A and S's siblings have also shared with her a lot of their traditions in their family and so she hears things from them too. We hope to go to their home town in the next few years when she's old enough to remember and really experience some of the family traditions!

4-Can you talk about your openness agreement with S's first mom and if it has changed or evolved? Is there anything you would like to change if you could? It was really interesting to me to read about S's interaction with her birth-siblings. How great is that that she has a relationship with them as well?

Our openness agreement was just for S's first year. If you read on our blog the agency that did our adoption was not our choice and so I was not impressed with their handling of it. Thankfully, Momma A, DH and I all get along really well and so we took the agreement from the first year and adapted it after her first birthday. We did change the agreement after her first birthday and we all were in agreement that the number of updates was overwhelming to me, especially as I thought of trying to come up with something to write to Momma A monthly until S's 18th birthday. So we went to quarterly updates and we visit as often as time allows. (For general info., we had more visits than we first agreed too the first year, and I always sent more pictures than the agreement stated.) They have moved out of state so it was 2.5 years between our last visit. We do call and text regularly and include pictures and videos as well. Yes, if you've read on our blog S does have siblings and we all love that they will get to know each other and have a relationship. S LOVES them and talks about them often and she loves to send them pictures on my phone and they LOVE to send them back to her :)

5-You wrote very candidly about the losses you have dealt with - your miscarriages as well as the failed adoptions. All of it had to be so difficult to experience and to grieve. Can you talk about the kinds of things that helped get you through some of that? Do you have any tips for friends or family members of people who have experienced similar loss?

I have to say this was the hardest question for me to answer of all of them. Grieving a failed adoption placement has been the most difficult of our losses to grieve. The things that helped the most were definitely getting out of town. We needed family time without others around us, we needed the privacy to grieve in our own way, in our own time, without the feeling of having to "put on a smile." We changed many things, we took down the nursery, we packed away all the baby's things, we bought our first house, and we switched S's preschool. We had to change our surroundings so that I didn't see the constant reminders of what should have been. I get that not everyone can do all of these things. So I think the best advice if any that I can give is to grieve however you need to, in your own time, and in your own (healthy) way.

6- How often do you talk about adoption with your daughter? How do you explain what adoption means (talks, books, movies, etc.) and how much does she understand?

I think this is the question I get the most from people. :) We talk about adoption often. It's hard to put a number on it. S got a book about adoption at her baby shower from an adult adoptee that we read often "How I Was Adopted" it's her favorite book. But I know that even as an infant I would rock her and tell her about the day we met Momma A, and the day she was born, etc. I started that young because I wanted to be comfortable talking about her adoption before she was old enough to get it!

As she has gotten older, she asks us all kinds of questions. We also keep family photos around the house of her with us and her first family. We have tried to include them in as much as we can, like any other family members we have.

7-We had the experience a few months ago of speaking about our open adoption at our agency. If you could talk to couples that were unsure of whether or not open adoption was right for them, what would you want to say to them?

I would say that open adoption has been an amazing experience for us. We adore S's first mom and family. We love knowing that S will grow up knowing her whole story. She will have the love of all of her family. We miss having them live nearby and hope that they are able to move back closer to us someday. I dream of Momma A sitting next to us at S's first dance/music recital. I imagine her sitting there next to us as she walks across the stage at her high school and college graduations, and who knows maybe even her doctorate ;) And I can't even think about S's wedding without Momma A there too, and yes I totally cry every single time I think about these life events for my little girl!

I know that it may not work for every situation but we are living proof that it can work. I would also encourage prospective adoptive parents to go in with an open mind and see where it takes you. You never know the many blessings that can follow!

 

Thanks for reading.  You can head on over to Kelly’s blog, Surprised by Hope, and read her interview with me there!

Insecurities and Doubts about Adopting

A couple posts back, Cristy at Birthmomtalks said she would like to read about an insecurities or doubts we had about adoption (specifically open adoption) and placement.  I sat down with my husband tonight, and Steve and I talked about it.  I wanted his input, too. 

When we made the decision to adopt, we were very set in our decision, but we were at the point where we just knew that was the right direction for us.  Before that, though, we had a lot of concerns – How would it work?  How would we pay for it?  What could we expect? 

After we met with our agency (as well as one other one), we were concerned about the uncertainty of it all – the length of time involved with waiting, in particular.  After signing with our agency, we had some worries when our agency started to have some issues with finances and had smaller numbers of adoptive families and expectant parents coming in to discuss adoption.  (Luckily things improved over the months afterward.  We did have to pay some additional fees, but it could have been quite a bit more.)

Leading up to meeting our daughter’s birthmom and her birthgrandma, we had worries – Would she like us?  Would she meet us and continue with the match?  Would our first meeting go well?  We were SO nervous – like hands shaking, palms sweaty kind of nervousness!  I made her a scrapbook of pictures of us with our families and our friends, and we hoped she would like it.   We hoped she would continue to go through with her plan for adoption.  She seemed confident in her decision and that reassured us.  We really liked her and her mom and we all got along well.

In the months leading up to Zoe’s birth, we got to know her birthmom, Z, mainly through emails, but also through phone calls and a couple visits.  She had allowed me to go with her to a doctor appointment (and hear Zoe’s heartbeat!) and to go to a pre-natal class.  Those things definitely helped make it feel more real.  We hoped she would still decide to place Zoe with us.  We hoped the baby would be healthy.  We hoped Z would be okay – we worried about her and how she would be after Zoe was born (not only in the hospital but in the days/weeks/months afterwards.)  By the way, we did not know Zoe was a girl at that point.  That was a surprise on the day she was born. 

At one point, Z asked me to be in the delivery room with her and her mom.  I was thrilled and so excited but a few weeks prior to the birth, she changed her mind.  I worried about it.  What did it mean?  But I tried to put myself in her shoes and think about her feelings – it was her choice and her decision, and it was important for her to do what felt right to her.  Yes, I was sad, but it was not about me.

Just a couple days before the baby’s due date, we got the call that Z was in the hospital.  At that point we were just praying that she and the baby were okay.  We got the message on our voicemail while we were at work.  We had no way of getting a hold of her caseworker – it was after hours.  We left a message but did not hear back that evening.  We anxiously waited all night – not sure if we slept at all – and got a call in the morning that Zoe had been born.  Z and her baby were doing well.

Driving to the hospital that afternoon was exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time.  We got to spend time with Zoe in the nursery.  We were SO happy and it was such a surreal feeling – to be there and to be holding a little, beautiful, and amazing baby that might be coming home with us…we were in love, that is for sure.  We were grateful that Z allowed us to be there and have time with Zoe.  Z wanted to see us before we left for the day.  She was in  her room and was holding Zoe.  We were happy, sad, emotional, anxious, nervous – we were all dealing with so many emotions and it was hard.   We had a hard time talking through the tears.  We thanked her for letting us be there.  We told her how beautiful Zoe was.  We gave her a letter we had written and flowers.  We told her we loved her and said our goodbyes for the night.  We ran into her mom in the hallway and we all hugged and cried even more. 

That night was full of so much – phone calls to family and friends, emails, Facebook messages, even a phone call at midnight from my boss who thought her call would just go to my voicemail – it was just surreal.  We were worried about what would happen the next day but exhausted.   We hoped Z was doing as best she could back at the hospital.

The day we brought Zoe home, we did not get to see Z or her family.  They had already left the hospital by the time we were asked to be there.  We hoped that she was okay.  We brought Zoe home that afternoon.

We hoped that all would go well until Z was able to sign the TPR, termination of parental rights, in court.  We had 30 days to wait.  We were in contact with her, mainly through email at that point.  We were amazed when she emailed us the day after Zoe came home and sent us pictures she and her family had taken of themselves with Zoe at the hospital.  They are such special pictures and something we will treasure always.  We could not get over the strength that Z showed.

Over those 30 days, we were busy being new parents.  We were aware that we had to wait for the TPR to be signed and that Z could decide to parent, but we focused on taking care of Zoe.  We kept in touch with Z, and she did not give us any reason to think she might decide not to place her with us.

As far as open adoption is concerned, before we met Z and her family, one of our worries was what happens if you choose to be open and then circumstances change?  What happens if one or both of the birthparents gets involved with something that would be harmful to the child?  How would that impact the family/the birthparents/the child?

After meeting Z and her mom at that first meeting and getting to know her over the months leading up to Zoe’s birth, we were not really worried.  We got along well.  She was so nice, and we could picture having a good relationship with her and her family.  With Zoe’s birthfather, we know his name and a little bit about him (from the adoption agency paperwork and from Z.)  We have never met him or had contact with him.  We wonder if we will have the opportunity to have contact at some point.

We are so incredibly happy that we have an open adoption.  Sure in the beginning we were a bundle of nerves during our first visits!  It was hard.  We wanted Z to know how much we loved Zoe, and we wanted her to be happy that she chose us.  We all got to know each other better with each visit.  I think we all feel much more comfortable now.

What is hard for us right now is that Zoe’s birthmom just moved out of state for college.  We miss her so much.  It is not going to be anywhere near as easy to see each other for visits.  We are sad about that.  Of course, we will still do whatever we can to make sure we stay in contact, and we are hoping that we get to see her soon.  We are sad that Zoe will not get to see her as often as she had been seeing her, but we understand.  We want her to follow her dreams and do what feels best to her.  It is just hard some days because we miss her.

Even though the adoption process is hard and can be stressful, we are so glad we were able to adopt and start our family.  We are so grateful that open adoption exists, and that Zoe is always going to know her birthmom.  She can get answers to questions she might have as she grows  up and have a special relationship with her.  Most importantly,  Zoe knows she is loved so much by everyone involved.

Moving

Zoe’s birth mom is getting ready for a big change in her life; she’s preparing for a move to another state.  She’s going to be starting school there soon, too.  We have been so lucky to live so close to her.  We just found out about the move a few days ago and were very surprised to hear about her moving. 

Zoe and I were able to drive to her house to spend some time with her and her family yesterday.  It was good to see them, and it was really good to get to see Z (Zoe’s birth mom.)  She seems very excited for this next step.  Zoe got to cuddle with her on the couch and play with her puppies and her family’s new birds, too.  She got to toss the football around, too, and kept saying, “I gotta get to the game!”  It was pretty cute. 

Moving is exciting, hard, stressful…all rolled into one.  I think I added it up a while back, and I have moved 13 times throughout my life.  I’ve moved with my whole family, with one sister, with Steve and a roommate, and with just Steve.  It’s been a big part of my life – starting over in a new place, making new friends, and having new beginnings.  We hope that this move for her is something that brings her happiness and new opportunities.  And we hope that we get to see her really soon, too!

Zoe and I put together a scrapbook of Zoe’s art for Z…just a little something so she knows how much we love her.

 

Love you, Z.  So very much.  Hope everything goes well!

Preschool week #2

Zoe headed back to preschool this week.  She loves going and is so excited! Just wanted to share a couple pictures of her.  She’s wearing a backpack and vest from her birthmom (and the beautiful flowers are from  her, too!)

First day of preschool

Zoe started preschool this week.  She’s going two mornings a week, 2 hours each morning. She was so excited to meet her classmates!

Yes, we know, her backpack is way to big.  I think she’s getting one for her birthday, so I’m guessing it will work out a little better for her.

Can you tell she’s a little excited???

Just a couple pics from inside the school.  Most of the pictures I took had other children in them with Zoe, and I’m not comfortable sharing them without their parents’ permission.  Here’s a little peek at her first day:

After her first exciting day, we had a visit with her birthgrandma.  She came over to celebrate Zoe’s birthday a little early with her.  We had a good visit even though was thoroughly tired out from her morning at school.  Here she is at naptime with her gift from her birth family.  It’s a really cute pirate doll.  She loves him and she was calling him ‘her baby’ today.  So sweet!

And last but not least, a picture from this morning – ready for day #2 at school without Mom and Dad.  She was so excited.  So excited in fact that she ran to the car and skinned both her knees.  After coming back in the house for bandaids, we headed back out.  She had a great morning and loved playing in the kitchen, the gym, and on the playground.  We’re so happy that she loved it.  And it was the best feeling ever when she saw me at pick-up time and ran to me to give me a big hug.  Love her so much.