Instant Mom: My interview with Nia Vardalos and book review of her new book about adoption

 

Instant Mom. 

That’s how it feels when you are waiting to adopt and you get the call that you have been matched with expectant parents, when you hold your son or daughter and look into their eyes, or when you carry your new baby into your home for the very first time.  That’s how it feels, I would imagine, whether you adopt or give birth. 

Instant Mom is also the title of a new book by actress/director/author Nia Vardalos that is being released April 2, 2013.   Nia writes about her journey through her struggles with infertility, to her exploration of various adoption avenues, and ultimately to the adoption of her daughter through the U.S. foster care system.

Our friends, Barb and John, recently became parents through adoption as well.  Barb and I were talking about an excerpt from Nia’s book that was recently featured in Adoptive Families magazine.  After both of us mentioned that we were excited to read Instant Mom, I found Nia’s Facebook page and started reading her posts.  One of the posts mentioned that she was looking for mom bloggers, dad bloggers, parenting bloggers, and parenting sites to review an advance copy of her book on their blogs.  As I read the comments, I noticed that one of the bloggers asked if she could interview Nia as well.  I posted a link to my blog and commented that I would love to participate.  I emailed the contact person, and I somehow I got up the nerve to ask if it would be possible to interview Nia as well!  

In her book, Nia writes about a moment when she was doing her one-woman stage production of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.”  She recalls how her favorite actor, Tom Hanks, was sitting in the front row of the theater waiting to watch her performance.  She was overwhelmed and excited, to say the least.  She decided that “in 75 minutes I could either be really proud of myself or really mad at myself…it was my choice.  I was in control.”   I felt like that in that moment – that I could either be bold and request an interview or be reluctant and wonder what would have happened “if only” I had worked up the nerve.  I was told that a book was on its way to my home and that, yes, I could definitely set up an interview!

My heart was pounding!

The book arrived on Monday, and I read late into the night (after all of the normal things we had to do like dinner, bath, and bedtime for Zoe.)  I reluctantly went to bed somewhere around 2:00 a.m.  and continued to read when I could over the next two days.  I finished the book Wednesday evening.  And Wednesday night around 11:30pm I checked my messages and found an email from Nia Vardalos’ contact who asked me if I was available to interview Nia at 10:30am PST on Friday, March 22nd. 

Um…yes!!!!!

I was beyond excited/nervous/and squealing with joy about this interview!  I’ll get back to that in just a bit, but first, here’s my review of Nia’s book, Instant Mom.

THE REVIEW

“We’ve been waiting a long time for someone like you.”  That’s what the social workers said to Nia Vardalos when she asked them why she hadn’t been aware of all of the children that are in foster care awaiting adoption.  The foster care system needed an advocate – someone who could promote and discuss foster care adoption in a positive light.  They found that advocate in Nia.  In addition to her writing, she is also the National Adoption Day spokesperson and she continues to speak out about the children that are in our foster care system.

Nia draws you into her story from the very beginning as she writes about her infertility struggles during the filming of her movies.  She uses her films as a timeline to guide the reader through the book but also to explain where she was in her professional vs. private life.  I found it very easy to relate to the frustrations of going through infertility treatments and the determination to continue month after month.  I know the  heartbreak of when yet another cycle fails, but I also know the hope (like Nia) that the next one will be the cycle that ends with a positive test result. 

After much time going through infertility treatments, Nia and her husband, actor Ian Gomez, made the decision to explore adoption.   She writes about their research on domestic adoption, private adoption, international adoption, and the use of facilitators and how they pursued many of those different avenues.  They continued to wait to be matched.  After taking time to grieve and a break from the waiting, ultimately they decide to pursue adoption from the American foster care system.

The story unfolds as Nia describes the process of foster care adoption and the steps that led them to their almost 3 year old daughter.  Nia’s sense of humor is present throughout the book (I laughed out loud many times), but what comes across even more than that is her heart – her story is so meaningful  because she writes with such honesty.  I cried as she described meeting  her daughter for the very first time.  Tears fell again as I read about their Adoption Day, the day they finalized their daughter’s adoption in court.  She includes the heartbreaking moments right alongside the joyous ones.  As an adoptive mom, I can relate to the moments we have in common – the moment we got “the call” that we were matched, the moment we saw our child for the very first time, the moment we held our daughter in our arms and just let the weight of her sink into them.  The moments that just felt right and like they were  meant to be all along.

This is not just a story about adoption, though; it’s a story about hope and longing and finding joy in what you were looking for…it’s a  story about not giving up and about finding contentment.  Adoptive parents will be able to relate to the adoption storyline, but other parents and readers without children will find that they can connect to Nia’s story on many other levels as well. 

Nia and her husband  have been very private about their personal life but decided that a book like this could really help others who are considering adopting a child.  Not only does she share  their experiences; she also shares the information she learned along the way.  The back of the book includes in appendix filled with information on all types of adoption.

I was very excited to read this book because my husband, Steve, and I have wanted to learn more about the foster care system and how it works.  I have always liked Nia’s movies  as well, and just knew that I would love her writing style.  I was excited to read how her daughter found them and how they found her.  It has given me a lot to consider and a lot to think about – not just about adoption but about finding happiness and contentment in different ways.  If you are looking for a book to make you laugh and cry and feel happiness and hope, you will want to read Nia’s book.

You can learn more here:  Harper Collins/Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos or check  out her Facebook page here:  Nia Vardalos

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THE INTERVIEW

At 1:35pm on Friday, March 23, I had the honor of interviewing Nia.  She called me and we talked for about 20 minutes about her new book and adoption-related questions.  I was so extremely excited about the opportunity to speak with her!  Here is my interview:

Wendy:  I wanted to tell you that I got the book Monday.  I read until 2 am and couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore and then read more the next night and finished it.  Then I started re-reading it again last night, and I just love your book.

Nia:  Thank you so much.  Thank you.

Wendy:  It’s wonderful.  My husband and I – we went through infertility ourselves, and we became parents through adoption, too, and we have a 3 year old named Zoe.  Just reading your story brought back so much – the memories of what we went through, and the memory of how fantastic it was to get “the call.”  I could just relate to quite a bit of it, so I wanted to thank you so much for writing it.

Nia:  Thank you.  I am finding that people who have been through it are relating to it, but that also people who don’t even want to be parents are seeing it as a story of hope and that’s so interesting because you actually don’t really know how you come across until you hear what people, you know, peoples’ reflections, so it’s interesting to me.

Wendy:  Oh, sure, it definitely is. I know I’ve already told so many people in my family…well, my sisters have already told me they are next in line to borrow the book, and my mom is ready to read it, everybody…I think it’s great if you’ve been touched by adoption or not, a lot of people are going to want to read it. 

***Click here to listen to Nia explain why she chose foster adoption

My first question was when you decided  that you were going to move away from going through treatment and start towards adoption, you ultimately decided to go through foster adoption and that’s how your daughter came to you.  How did you know at that moment that that’s what you wanted to do  - that you wanted to do foster care?

Nia:  I honestly think that for each person you know, sort of that quiet voice inside you what’s right for you.  It’s the same way that when we were in high school and some kids just naturally gravitated towards playing basketball…and I was in theater class.  We know what feels like a natural fit, and I see it now with my own daughter with what she is gravitating to and not.  For some strange reason, when I talked with that facilitator and heard about U.S. Foster Care and that there were older children and that they were legally free, you know I asked all of the typical questions…like wait, wait, I said someone could be placed with me and then reunited with their birth family and she said no.  And I said ‘what?’  That was a very interesting moment for me because it felt right.  And that’s what I’m trying to say with offering the back of the book with the 25 or so pages of how to adopt.  Anywhere that you think your child might be…some people have always had a fascination with Japan and then end up going there.  Why?  Why is it?  So I think we’re supposed to just listen to these little messages we’re getting…

Wendy:  Listen to our heart – which way you’re being pulled…

Nia:  Yes.

Wendy:  When you talked about going through the foster care system, you talked about how you used a Foster Family Agency, too.  I don’t really know a lot about that, but my husband and I are actually considering doing foster adoption for our next adoption.  I thought that was really interesting. Could you tell us how did using that kind of agency help you?

Nia:  It was absolutely the thing that sped the process along.  It was so incredible how I was swimming around lost and that’s what I’m hoping this book offers to people who just go ‘Wait, I don’t know… I don’t know what’s credible.   I’m reading things on the internet.  I don’t know what is a real site or what could lure me to a place that’s not right.  All these phrases, all of these terms I don’t understand.”  That’s what the foster social care workers did for me.  They sat me down, answered all my questions:  What’s a home study?  What’s a home study worker? Are you accredited?  What’s your educational background?  You know, just all these questions that I asked of them, and they patiently explained the process to me and then it all made sense.  As I say, I believed them.  They said, “You will be a mother within this year.”  I was like, “uh-huh.” 

Wendy:  That’s amazing.  I think it’s great that there are agencies like that, that can help because it’s so overwhelming when you start and you read books or research online but you can get very easily overwhelmed by the amount of information or lack of information.

Nia:  Yes, yes, I tried to speak sort of in terms of if you are just picking this book up for the first time, just thinking about adoption for the first time, I tried to speak in terms that – you know, what I didn’t understand but sometimes I go back and I explain again what the difference is between a private agency and an adoption agency because it’s confusing.  It is.  But what I love about Foster Family Agencies, which again sounds like Foster Agencies, confusing, it’s a free service.  In every state.  All of you have to do is do an internet search on ‘foster family agency’ and yours will come up in your state. 

Wendy:  That’s great.  My next question has to do with after becoming a parent.  What is one of your favorite moments of being a new parent? 

***Click here to listen to Nia explain her favorite moment of being a new parent

Nia:  I’m going to say the sense of purpose I feel every day.  I used to wake up and think of various things that I had to get written or interviews I was going to do and none of that even enters my mind now.  First thing I think of is her.  What did she eat?  How was last night?  How did she sleep?  How much time do we have before school?  You know, just everything.  What is she into?  Should I bring up that thing she told me about last night that’s bothering her at school?  Everything.  It’s the sense of purpose that’s so fun. She’s just this really interesting creature that is right beside me, usually naked. 

Wendy:  Is she eight now?  Or nine?

Nia:  Eight

Wendy:  It’s wonderful, too, how every different age is, how they change, and how their personality changes and how funny they are…I don’t know…it’s great. 

Nia:  I’ll bet Zoe is like you and your husband, right?

Wendy:  You know, we have kooky senses of humor, and yeah, she’s got that.  She’s very goofy and silly and she’s wonderful.  I can’t imagine life without her. 

(Nia’s dog barked a few times in the background here.  I don’t know why exactly, but I thought that was pretty cool…I’m guessing she was calling from her home.)

I know in your book you talked about how before your daughter  arrived, you dreamed of her.  You thought about her and you kind of saw a picture of her.  Can you talk a little bit about that?

Nia:  I worried, well, not worried, but I thought ‘Oh boy, I’m going to put this in and then everyone is going to think that I’m a “wacktress” for the rest of my life.

Wendy:  No!

Nia:  No?  But I did.  I really did.   I don’t know why but even when they told me of the ethnic background of certain children, I would be open to it, sounds great, even if they showed me a picture and they didn’t have blonde streaks in their hair, I’d say ‘yup, that sounds great’, let’s investigate if that child is legally free…and I can’t explain I kept having the dream and I never connected that I was looking for that child until I saw that child.

Wendy:  Aw…that’s so amazing.

Nia:  It’s crazy.

Wendy:  In the part of the book where you talked about how the social worker asked you and your husband what type of child are you hoping to adopt and he mentioned bringing home a daughter as well, that had me getting so teary-eyed, too, you know?  Just that you both had that image…it’s just pretty amazing. 

Nia:  It’s so strange. Yes, I think he, I think men in general, try to sort of hold emotions at bay and it’s not a criticism.  It’s an observation in the way  that they are raised.  Even the most loving, sensitive, attentive ones like my husband have been socialized to be men .  I think sometimes that they think that things if they are going to be difficult or painful they sort of not think about them.  Whereas with women, we tend to take things out and examine them…and re-examine them.

Wendy: Yes…

Nia:  That’s indicated with a breakup, a guy just never wants to talk again…

Wendy:  Right.

Nia:  But the woman is like, “Let’s talk…what happened?” 

Wendy:  Right!

Nia:  And I think that that was surprising to me because it indicated to me that Ian had been thinking about it and he saw a little girl.

Wendy:  Aw…it’s wonderful!  When you talked about adopting and the possibility of adopting, too, I know you are really close with your family from everything that I read in your book.  They were excited I’m sure…were they very supportive along the way?  How did they react?

Nia:  They had varying degrees of reaction based on how much information I was telling them, but they were always supportive.  I said to my mom, “You know, we’re on the waiting list for China, and that might work” and she said, “Oh I hope so!”  And just didn’t miss a beat.  Nothing.  Nothing.  She didn’t say, “Well, I heard that China is closing their doors and it’s difficult” or she just never nay-sayed anything I told her. 

Wendy:  That’s wonderful to have that kind of a support system.

Nia:  Yes. 

Wendy:  Do you talk with [your daughter] about her adoption or does she bring it up to you?

***Click here to hear Nia talk about discussing adoption with her daughter

Nia:  She does not bring it up, and I read in a book that I should bring it up. 

Wendy:  I wondered if you do…

Nia:  I do.  I do.  And not always .  Not every day.  But something for example, we had a fish.  He died.  His name was Nemo.  And we got another fish, and his name is Nemo 2.  And so, I said to her, “Hey, do you think maybe you had a fish when you lived with your birth family?” And she said immediately, “Yes, I did!” and I’m sure she doesn’t remember if she did, but it was her way of yes, ending what I was saying,  and my way of acknowledging she’s the same person in the same life, and she is now with us.  This is her home and she said, “I did and so that was Nemo 1.”  And I said, “Okay, so the fish who died was Nemo 2.”  So she just came to the conclusion by herself, “So this is Nemo 3.”  I said “Okay, great.”   But that’s my way of bringing it up and then occasionally we’ll grieve it, we’ll talk about, but she doesn’t have a picture of them, and I don’t know their names and things like that. 

Wendy:  Oh, okay.

Nia:  She knows that the file is sealed until we’re all ready to learn about it.  We’re just really honest with her. 

Wendy:  Sure, I think that’s the best way to go about it so that there aren’t surprises when they are older.  You know, it’s just always been a part of their story and who they are.  Something I have been thinking about, and Zoe is – she’s 3 so she’s in preschool – but your daughter is in elementary school now, I’m sure…have you had to do projects like family trees and things like that?

Nia:  Yes.

Wendy:  How do you handle that when that comes up?

Nia:  That’s so interesting because obviously that’s not in the book  (end of sentence removed…possible spoiler,) but we have had the most interesting experience with that because the school asked us to bring in baby pictures and we don’t have them…just little things like that, so we addressed it.  We just went to school and told them.  They were great about it and then [she] had to present herself in a…it’s called the “Star of the Week” where you talk about your life and - we had - she had her earliest pictures with us and her Adoption Day and she flat out told the class, just by herself.  “This is my Adoption Day.  I lived with another family first.  This is my real mom and dad.”  So it was just through discussion with her and her teachers that it worked. 

Wendy:  Well, it’s good that you can talk to them about it and work out something that’s going to work for everyone– because every family is different. It’s good that they were willing to work with that, too.  Kind of along those lines of school and friends and things like that, in our circle of friends, we have several people we know who have adopted, too, and so we get together with them and it’s great for us to talk and it’s also great for our daughter to have friends who were adopted as well.  Do you have that in your circle of friends?

Nia:  Yes, in the extended circle but not in the Core.

Wendy:  Oh, okay, I wondered about that.  If they were people that you could talk to if you had concerns or your daughter could, that kind of thing?  But it sounds like maybe they’re not as close by?

Nia:  Yes, one of her – as you know Kathy Najimy and Dan Finnerty – are really close and Dan’s adopted.

Wendy:  Oh, that’s right, I remember that from the book.

Nia:  Yeah, he talks to her about it a lot, and it’s really great. 

Wendy:  Aw, that’s very great.  You wrote a little bit in the book about how when the media touches on about adoption it’s sometimes or more often can be negative or maybe [there can be]misconceptions about it, and I think writing books like yours is a great way to stop those misconceptions or change the impression people have.  Is there anything else that you can think of that as an adoption community – parents, obviously adoptees, birthparents – how can we change negative stories or negative misconceptions? 

Nia:  I think that’s exactly what my goal was – to try to dispel the myth and to counter the negative stories with the positive ones that I have seen with my own eyes.  That’s what I was hoping to do with the book, just get it out there so that next time there is a negative story, they’ll have to say, “However, in Nia Vardalos’ book, she points out…” to give a point-counterpoint right there to stop scaring people away from adoption.

Wendy:  I think that’s great because it’s hard when you start and you are trying to get information and you’ll hear great stories but then you’ll hear one story that is so incredibly sad or so scary to you.  You want there to be those positive stories out there so that people know that side of it.

Nia:  Yes!  Yes, exactly.

Wendy:  I wanted to ask you, too, about what advice you would give to someone who wanted to write about their own adoption experience because it’s something in the back of my mind that I’ve thought about but, you know, how hard was it for you?  How did you decide what to share and what not to share? 

Nia:  Oh, it was very hard for me.  It was terrifying and yet exhilerating, and yet I feel that it is the body of work that I’ve written that I’m the most proud of.  It definitely surpasses the My Big Fat Greek Wedding screenplay, Connie and Carla, even getting a happy gay story out there…No, it still is the best thing I think that has ever come out of me because it’s from my heart and it’s truthful and it’s as fearless as I’ve ever been.  So I would say again don’t tell anyone you’re doing it.  Don’t listen to the nay-sayers.  Just sit down and write.  And I think anyone  wanting to write about it, you’ll be surprised how it will come out of you  It’s cathartic.

Wendy:  When you were writing, what was the best thing you found about writing your book?

Nia:  That I was able to put it behind me, finally.  I had had a pretty melancholy day, and then I would close the computer, walk out of my office, go pick up my daughter, and be fine.  Be absolutely fine.  It was, I think,  a way of finally closing that – metaphor – chapter.

Wendy:  Along the way, was there anybody who – well,  I don’t know how much you shared about how you were writing it – but I wondered if there was anybody who didn’t want you to write the book? 

Nia:  No, I didn’t tell very many people that I had a book deal, so I rarely talk about things as I’m writing them.  That’s one thing.  But the main thing I did with this book was only Ian and one of my representatives read it.  I waited until it was printed to give it to anybody because I wanted to write unfettered by concern, critique, anything. 

Wendy:  That makes sense.

Nia:  Yes, I just wanted it to be a pure idea like My Big Fat Greek Wedding was.  I wrote and then sold it.  But that’s not how it’s done these days.  Like I have a movie at Paramount.  I told them the idea, they paid me, and now I’m writing it. 

Wendy:  Oh, okay.

Nia:  Yeah, it’s different.  Already they’ve given me their thoughts.  Ooh, I like this scene.  I’m  not sure about this character.  But that’s there perogative. 

Nia:  Oh, and by the way I will retweet your story, but can you avoid any spoilers in it like my daughter’s name or anything like that?

Wendy:  Sure, sure! 

Nia:  Great, and then send it to me.  I’m trying to be more attentive to Twitter during this time and then I’ll try and re-tweet it.

Wendy:  Okay.

Wendy:  Do you think that you’ll ever do a movie about your story?

***Click here to listen to Nia discuss the possibility of a movie and her book tour

Nia:  We’ve been approached! 

Wendy:  Oh, that’s wonderful!

Nia:  Yeah!  I don’t mean the real we, my manager at Paradigm and my manager, Scott, [got] a couple of calls because the reviews have been so good so far that all of a sudden people are like, “What’s this book?”  So, yeah!

Wendy:  That’s  wonderful!

Nia:  I’m open to it.  We’ll see…I think it makes a better book.

Wendy:  That’s great. That’s fantastic.  Congratulations!

Nia:  Thanks.

Wendy:  The only other thing I wanted to say was…Do you have a book tour that you are planning as well?

Nia:  Yes, it’s a HEAVY book tour.  It is New York, New Jersey, Boston, Fort Lauderdale, Greensboro…it’s all over the place.  And Los Angeles.  Where are you?

Wendy:  I’m outside of Detroit, Michigan.

Nia:  Okay, I’m not sure if we’re going there this leg or the next leg, but I’ll let you know.  I’m going to post the book tour dates very soon as soon as they’re solidified.  I have to go because I have to start a live interview at 11:00am. 

Wendy:  Well, okay, good luck with it and good luck with the book – it’s fantastic and thank you so much for your time! 

Nia:  Oh, thank you so so much for getting the word out – it’s lovely to speak with you.

Wendy:  You, too.  Thank you!

 

Being given the opportunity to read Instant Mom, review it, and speak with Nia Vardalos has really inspired me, and I hope that she inspires you, too!

Please leave a comment and let me know how you found my blog/link and tell me about your connection to adoption!  Thanks so much!

Recent pictures

I will post more very soon – I promise! Things have been a little hectic this past week or so.  Just wanted to share a couple pictures I took of Zoe earlier today.  I am amazed at how much she seems to have grown over the last few weeks?  Months?  She is truly a little girl now…not a toddler anymore, that’s for sure.  I told her that she was not allowed to smile at all for these pictures, which of course she thought was hysterical.  She kept saying, “Tell me no smile!”  and then she would break out in a huge grin. 

So happy to be her mommy.  So very happy.

A visit with Aunt Di

A couple of months before Christmas, our friend, Chris, called us and asked if he could give our friend Diane (his wife) a trip out to see us for her Christmas gift.  We were very excited because it has been a while since we saw her, and it’s definitely been a little while since her last trip here.  Zoe was very excited to see her Aunt Di (and so were we!)

We spent last weekend hanging out, catching up, and sharing stories.  My parents came over on Saturday to stay with Zoe while just the three of us went out to dinner.  We visited a new place on Sunday called The Robot Garage.  They have open play time and workshops for kids and adults.  Their shop is filled with Lego toys, robotic equipment, and other building toys.  It was a lot of fun and definitely a place we’ll go back to visit.

I had to share this…a Vincent Van Gogh portrait in Lego!  Wow…I know I was impressed!

This past week and weekend weren’t anywhere near that much fun…Steve had a very hard week at work.  Thursday morning our water heater decided to die and flooded our laundry room.  Thursday night I smelled gas as I was trying to clean things up and we had to contact the gas company.  They shut things off for us and did find a small leak, so it’s good I called.  We had a company come out to fix our water heater on Friday, so now we are all good.

It was very strange, though…two years ago – almost to the day – was when our furnace died (it’s in the same room as the water heater.)  We had 11 inches of snow that day.  Friday – the day we got the heater fixed – we had somewhere around 3 or 4 inches to shovel.  And two years ago was when Steve started having a hard time catching his breath and that led to his surgery a couple weeks later.  We called the company that fixed our furnace and they came out and fixed the water heater.  They remembered that Steve had been at the doctor for tests while they were putting in the new heater.  They asked how he was feeling which was really nice.  It was  an odd feeling, though…similar situations….I told Steve that NO ONE was allowed to get sick or have any health problems this time around! 

I’m so grateful that he’s doing so great and has recovered after the surgery as well as he has.

Where have I been?

I guess I’ve missing from action for a while.   We have had a lot going on here, I guess.  I have been sort of keeping up with reading blogs, but I haven’t been keeping up on my own. 

Let’s see…in my last post I mentioned that Zoe’s birth grandparents and her uncle were moving.  They were able to visit the weekend before the big move, so we were happy to get to see them.  We spent some time at their house and then had lunch together.  They suggested we go to a restaurant that wasn’t really close to them, but it was convenient for a shopping trip they needed to do after lunch.  We followed them and as we pulled up in the parking lot, I realized it was the same restaurant Steve and I ate dinner at the day Zoe was born and when we met for the first time.  It was definitely a feeling of deja-vu but sort of full-cirle, too since this time we were together.  The only thing that could have made it even more perfect was if her birthmom had been able to be with us, too.  We had a great lunch (although Zoe was definitely acting a bit shy and she was tired.)  After hugs in the parking lot, we drove down the street to show Zoe the hospital she was born at.  And yes, I took pictures of her in front of the sign. 

A picture of artwork Zoe made for them.  It’s cropped a lot to delete their names for privacy.

Tired out from the drive

We have had busy days at preschool and visits with my family.  We have had a fair bit of snow like most of the country.  It’s given Zoe a lot of time to practice her shoveling skills!  It’s been nice, too, because she’s helped me help out some of the neighbors with their shoveling, too.  She likes to be a big helper.

She’s developed a really big interest in anything space-related over the last month.  We have made many trips to the library to help out with that!

For the past month she has been super excited for Valentine’s Day.  We started a countdown calendar (which will now have to become a countdown for Easter.)  She helped hang hearts all over our windows and decorate with lots of pictures.

She made some Valentine gifts and got those in the mail.

modeling the necklace she made for Z, her birthmom

She was excited about the Valentine mail she received over the last week, including a special gift from Mom-Mom Cheryl, Aunt Tracy, and her birthmom, Z.

posing with “Valentine,”  her new bear from Z

She spent a night at Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Janice’s this week while I spent the day at the hospital with a cousin who was having surgery.  She’s doing well. 

Zoe developed a cough over the weekend and it went to just-when-she-laid-down kind of cough to a much more frequent cough.  Tuesday night was really rough, so she ended up staying home from preschool and missing her Valentine’s party.  I felt so bad (I still remember missing my Kindergarten Valentine’s party when I had eye surgery.)  The last thing I wanted was for her to miss it, but she was coughing so much and really needed to rest.

We stopped at her school today and picked up her Valentine’s from her buddies. 

This was what Zoe gave her friends and family:

And finally, a picture from today.  Still a bit under-the-weather but hopefully on the mend.  Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you!

Change

Last Thursday was really nice here – the snow was actually melting.  It was warm enough where you could actually be outside and it was comfortable.  Zoe and I decided to get outside for the day, and we went to the zoo.

We had a great day – I  think we were there for at least 3 1/2 hours.  She asked lots of questions and kept wanting to see more “aminals.” 

I don’t know if it was the weather change or just coincidence, but Friday the sniffles started for her.  Steve and I had plans to run to dinner and a store.  My sister, Janice, babysat, and Zoe was very low-key.  Definitely not her usual, playful self. 

By Sunday afternoon she was really sniffly and starting to get that ‘croaky’ sound to her voice.  She was coughing a lot because of her runny nose, and I ended up sitting up with her for quite a while that night.  She kept saying, “I sick…”  She could sleep if she was up in my arms.  She stayed home from preschool on Monday and took it easy.  We stayed home yesterday and it seemed like she was feeling better, but last night she started coughing again.  She coughed off and on throughout the night.  I kept her home from preschool again today because I really felt like maybe she needed the extra day to feel better.  She’s napping (hopefully) right now.  I think it is just a cold at this point (she had a sinus infection back in November and this hasn’t been as bad as that.)  I have been extra cautious, though, because I know the flu has been so bad this year.

I am hoping that she is on the mend soon.  We are supposed to go see her birth-grandma, grandpa, and uncles this weekend.  We are not sure of all of the details, but it sounds like they are preparing for a move out of state.  I had written about Zoe’s birthmom  moving out of state a couple of months ago, too.  It’s hard.   We had been used to more frequent visits – this past year was every 2-3 months or so – with Zoe’s birthmom so it’s been a change.  We’re hoping to see her when we can work out a visit between Steve’s work schedule and her school schedule.  We think of her so often, and Zoe talks about her, too.  She points her out in pictures around our house and says her name when we see almost anything Hello Kitty.  (They both love Hello Kitty….love that they share that.)  We all miss her.

Change is hard sometimes, isn’t it?  I like to think I am a very flexible person, but I think that change is still difficult.  Hoping that all of these changes for Zoe’s birth mom and her family are all really positive and lead them in directions that make them happy.  Because really that’s what’s important.

2012 Best of Open Adoption Blogs

Heather Schade who blogs at Open Adoption Bloggers has just announced The Best of Open Adoption Blogs 2012.  She encourages bloggers to submit a piece of their own work from that previous year as well as nominate another blogger whose writing you admire.  I submitted a piece that I wrote about Insecurities and Doubts about Adopting.  Recently I had read a post by Jenna from The Chronicles of Munchkinland.  I wanted to recognize her work,  particularly her post entitled This Year’s December Goal:  To Be.  There are so many great blogs out there about open adoption -  I highly recommend checking out the list of blogs written by adoptees, birthmothers, and adoptive mothers!

Visit with Zoe’s birth family

A week or two ago, Zoe’s birth grandma asked me if they could come for a visit.  We were really excited to hear from her and said that we would love to see them.  Zoe’s birth grandma, grandpa, and one of her uncles came over.  It was so great to see them.  Zoe was literally jumping up and down and squealing when I told her they had just pulled up in front of the house. 

We visited, shared what has been going on in our lives, and gave them an early Christmas gift. 

Zoe had worked on a handmade ornament with me, and we had put a picture of her in another ornament for them to hang on their tree.  We also had Christmas pictures taken, so we included one of those and a couple other handmade projects.  They brought Zoe a gift that she almost didn’t take off for bed – a Snow White costume and tiara.  They also brought her a Snow White tea set that her birth grandpa picked out and a cookie-making kit for all of us.  Zoe had a great time playing with her uncle.  It was so cute to watch them. 

After visiting at our house, we went out to lunch (and yes, Zoe wore her costume to the restaurant!) and spent some more time catching up.  I am so grateful to be able to spend the time with them, and so happy that they can see how much Zoe is growing up.  I wish her birth mom had been able to be here, too, with all of us.  She is still out of state for school.  We miss her so much.

Having an open adoption has been such a great thing for our family.  We are so glad that they are a part of our lives and that we are a part of theirs. 

Missing someone at Christmas

I dropped Zoe off at preschool, ran to Target, and drove home. As I turned down our street, I saw an ambulance sitting there at the base of someone’s driveway.  My heart quickened as I thought of the people inside the house.  I don’t know them, but I can only imagine how scared they must be if someone was so sick or hurt that they had to call 911.  I said a prayer as I drove by that I hoped everyone was going to be okay. 

It made me start to think about my Aunt Pat and how she had a heart attack right before the holidays.  She was my mom’s sister and my Godmother.  She thought she had indigestion or something, and it turned out to be much worse.   She was in the hospital over Christmas and passed away a few weeks afterwards.  My Uncle Johnny, Aunt Pat’s husband, passed away days before Christmas, too.

I miss my aunt, uncle, and my grandparents so much, especially this time of year. So many things remind me of them.  I have my grandma’s Christmas tree (that my mom made)  in Zoe’s room.  It’s topped with a little snowflake ‘star’ that she crocheted.  (I pulled it out of her room for this picture because she was napping when I took it.)

And I was just telling Zoe yesterday how my grandpa would have laughed at how she seems to be hungrier lately; he used to say to us, “Are you eating again?!”  Making cookies always reminds me of my Aunt Pat and how she’d make bon-bon cookies – they were my favorite.  I can picture my Uncle Johnny laughing at all of the silly things Zoe does.  My aunt, uncle, and my grandparents would love Zoe so much.  I know they do; I just wish they could be here with us so that she could get to know them.  They were all such special people. 

I don’t say it often enough, but I really appreciate my family.  I hope they know how I feel.  I am so glad that they are so involved in our life and with our daughter.  I am very lucky to have them.

Adoption Blogger Interview Project–Interview with Kelly

This is my first year participating in Production, Not Reproduction’s Adoption Blogger Interview Project.  There are over 100 participants(adoptive parents, birthparents, and adoptees), so after you are done reading my interview here, you can head over here to check out the rest:  2012 Participants.

How does it work?  Well, a couple of weeks ago, I saw a post about the project on the blog mentioned above, Production, Not Reproduction.  I asked if I could be one of the interviewers and interviewees (is that a word?), and I was matched with Kelly at her blog, Surprised by Hope.  She blogs about their journey to adopt and the wonderful relationship and open adoption they have with their daughter, S’s, firstmom/birthmom, Momma A.  They are currently waiting to adopt a second time.  It was really great reading her blog from start to finish – she writes in a very straight-from-the-heart way.  She talks about the hurdles and low moments and shares the highlights and amazing moments as well.  Here’s our interview:

1- On your blog, you share a lot about your journey to become parents and how you are in the process of waiting to adopt again right now. Can you share a little bit about the adoption of your daughter and particularly your decision to have an open adoption?

We actually started out for a waiting child in Taiwan because we were apprehensive about open adoption. When that didn't go as planned, we were asked if we'd be interested in a special needs baby boy in the States. It was then that we really started researching more real life stories of open adoption. We had read about the differences in closed and open adoption. But I had started meeting adult adoptees more frequently and the recurring theme in their stories the desire to see what their birth families looked like, who they were as people, and to know some part of their birth family's story. And it really touched my heart and I started understanding that desire and wanting to fulfill that desire for our future child, to know all of their story. Honestly the moment we met Momma A we knew open adoption was right for our family. We met her once before S arrived and I roomed in with her at the hospital(her request). Those 3 days were very special for us.

As you mentioned above we are now waiting for our second child and we will be adopting through the foster care system. Because of how the children come into care most of the time we may or may not have any openness with their biological families. This has been a daily struggle for us because we love our openness with S's first family. It's interesting looking back at how far we've come.

2-At one point on your blog you wrote about feeling torn at times about what to share or how much to share. I often feel like that as well. Can you explain why you feel torn and how do you decide what is okay to write about?

I do feel very torn about what to share and where the boundaries should be. I've had several discussions with other adoptive moms about whether I share too much or if we are sharing an okay amount with the world. This is of course our family blog, and it's a place to write our story for S and our future children. Life is full of happy and sad times. Lately I've slowed in my writing, not because there's nothing to write, but because a lot of our story this past year has been heartbreaking and I want our blog to be uplifting and encouraging.

In regards to S's story some parts of it are hers alone, and I feel that there are some things she should get to choose, when she's old enough to understand, what she will share with others. That is one reason I do not disclose her birth mother's name or her family members names or their photos. I usually ask myself as I'm working on a blog what would I want others to know if I where in S's shoes.

3-Several of your posts touch on how you are a transracial family. You write about how you try to incorporate aspects of S's first family's culture and heritage into your life. Can you explain how you do that? What have you shared with your daughter from your heritage? (For example, do you have special traditions?)

We have tried to incorporate her first family's heritage and culture as much as we can. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe that without divulging too much of her personal story and giving away some of Momma A's personal information too. So, one way was to teach S from infancy the language that her extended first family speaks at home. While I am by no means fluent, I thought her what I knew and she picked up everything I knew by the time she was 14-15 months old. Of course S refuses to speak it now that she's in preschool! When I try to speak it she tells me, in English(with a Southern drawl, heaven help me), "Mommy, I don't want to say your ABC's!!!" *Sigh* At least I know that it will help her in the future learn other languages, or that's what I am telling myself for all the time and money we invested to brush up my language skills! Also I learned recipes for some of her first families meals and S LOVED them! So I try to add them into our rotation of meals.

But by far the thing I do that I believe ties into her African American culture is her hair. I have spent a lot of time researching online and practicing with more products than I can count to make her hair be something she is proud of. It is blatantly obvious that I'm Vanilla and she's Chocolate(her words), and I want her to be proud of her chocolate skin and spiral curls. It really has been a very special bonding time for us as well. She LOVES her hair, and she loves to ask for her favorite hairdos, particularly beads. And it's the times we are out in public and an African American Momma or Grandma come up and ask where I take her to get her hair done and S tells them that Mommy does her hair with a big grin on her face that I know she loves her hair and we are doing a good job in that area.

Momma A and S's siblings have also shared with her a lot of their traditions in their family and so she hears things from them too. We hope to go to their home town in the next few years when she's old enough to remember and really experience some of the family traditions!

4-Can you talk about your openness agreement with S's first mom and if it has changed or evolved? Is there anything you would like to change if you could? It was really interesting to me to read about S's interaction with her birth-siblings. How great is that that she has a relationship with them as well?

Our openness agreement was just for S's first year. If you read on our blog the agency that did our adoption was not our choice and so I was not impressed with their handling of it. Thankfully, Momma A, DH and I all get along really well and so we took the agreement from the first year and adapted it after her first birthday. We did change the agreement after her first birthday and we all were in agreement that the number of updates was overwhelming to me, especially as I thought of trying to come up with something to write to Momma A monthly until S's 18th birthday. So we went to quarterly updates and we visit as often as time allows. (For general info., we had more visits than we first agreed too the first year, and I always sent more pictures than the agreement stated.) They have moved out of state so it was 2.5 years between our last visit. We do call and text regularly and include pictures and videos as well. Yes, if you've read on our blog S does have siblings and we all love that they will get to know each other and have a relationship. S LOVES them and talks about them often and she loves to send them pictures on my phone and they LOVE to send them back to her :)

5-You wrote very candidly about the losses you have dealt with - your miscarriages as well as the failed adoptions. All of it had to be so difficult to experience and to grieve. Can you talk about the kinds of things that helped get you through some of that? Do you have any tips for friends or family members of people who have experienced similar loss?

I have to say this was the hardest question for me to answer of all of them. Grieving a failed adoption placement has been the most difficult of our losses to grieve. The things that helped the most were definitely getting out of town. We needed family time without others around us, we needed the privacy to grieve in our own way, in our own time, without the feeling of having to "put on a smile." We changed many things, we took down the nursery, we packed away all the baby's things, we bought our first house, and we switched S's preschool. We had to change our surroundings so that I didn't see the constant reminders of what should have been. I get that not everyone can do all of these things. So I think the best advice if any that I can give is to grieve however you need to, in your own time, and in your own (healthy) way.

6- How often do you talk about adoption with your daughter? How do you explain what adoption means (talks, books, movies, etc.) and how much does she understand?

I think this is the question I get the most from people. :) We talk about adoption often. It's hard to put a number on it. S got a book about adoption at her baby shower from an adult adoptee that we read often "How I Was Adopted" it's her favorite book. But I know that even as an infant I would rock her and tell her about the day we met Momma A, and the day she was born, etc. I started that young because I wanted to be comfortable talking about her adoption before she was old enough to get it!

As she has gotten older, she asks us all kinds of questions. We also keep family photos around the house of her with us and her first family. We have tried to include them in as much as we can, like any other family members we have.

7-We had the experience a few months ago of speaking about our open adoption at our agency. If you could talk to couples that were unsure of whether or not open adoption was right for them, what would you want to say to them?

I would say that open adoption has been an amazing experience for us. We adore S's first mom and family. We love knowing that S will grow up knowing her whole story. She will have the love of all of her family. We miss having them live nearby and hope that they are able to move back closer to us someday. I dream of Momma A sitting next to us at S's first dance/music recital. I imagine her sitting there next to us as she walks across the stage at her high school and college graduations, and who knows maybe even her doctorate ;) And I can't even think about S's wedding without Momma A there too, and yes I totally cry every single time I think about these life events for my little girl!

I know that it may not work for every situation but we are living proof that it can work. I would also encourage prospective adoptive parents to go in with an open mind and see where it takes you. You never know the many blessings that can follow!

 

Thanks for reading.  You can head on over to Kelly’s blog, Surprised by Hope, and read her interview with me there!

Insecurities and Doubts about Adopting

A couple posts back, Cristy at Birthmomtalks said she would like to read about an insecurities or doubts we had about adoption (specifically open adoption) and placement.  I sat down with my husband tonight, and Steve and I talked about it.  I wanted his input, too. 

When we made the decision to adopt, we were very set in our decision, but we were at the point where we just knew that was the right direction for us.  Before that, though, we had a lot of concerns – How would it work?  How would we pay for it?  What could we expect? 

After we met with our agency (as well as one other one), we were concerned about the uncertainty of it all – the length of time involved with waiting, in particular.  After signing with our agency, we had some worries when our agency started to have some issues with finances and had smaller numbers of adoptive families and expectant parents coming in to discuss adoption.  (Luckily things improved over the months afterward.  We did have to pay some additional fees, but it could have been quite a bit more.)

Leading up to meeting our daughter’s birthmom and her birthgrandma, we had worries – Would she like us?  Would she meet us and continue with the match?  Would our first meeting go well?  We were SO nervous – like hands shaking, palms sweaty kind of nervousness!  I made her a scrapbook of pictures of us with our families and our friends, and we hoped she would like it.   We hoped she would continue to go through with her plan for adoption.  She seemed confident in her decision and that reassured us.  We really liked her and her mom and we all got along well.

In the months leading up to Zoe’s birth, we got to know her birthmom, Z, mainly through emails, but also through phone calls and a couple visits.  She had allowed me to go with her to a doctor appointment (and hear Zoe’s heartbeat!) and to go to a pre-natal class.  Those things definitely helped make it feel more real.  We hoped she would still decide to place Zoe with us.  We hoped the baby would be healthy.  We hoped Z would be okay – we worried about her and how she would be after Zoe was born (not only in the hospital but in the days/weeks/months afterwards.)  By the way, we did not know Zoe was a girl at that point.  That was a surprise on the day she was born. 

At one point, Z asked me to be in the delivery room with her and her mom.  I was thrilled and so excited but a few weeks prior to the birth, she changed her mind.  I worried about it.  What did it mean?  But I tried to put myself in her shoes and think about her feelings – it was her choice and her decision, and it was important for her to do what felt right to her.  Yes, I was sad, but it was not about me.

Just a couple days before the baby’s due date, we got the call that Z was in the hospital.  At that point we were just praying that she and the baby were okay.  We got the message on our voicemail while we were at work.  We had no way of getting a hold of her caseworker – it was after hours.  We left a message but did not hear back that evening.  We anxiously waited all night – not sure if we slept at all – and got a call in the morning that Zoe had been born.  Z and her baby were doing well.

Driving to the hospital that afternoon was exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time.  We got to spend time with Zoe in the nursery.  We were SO happy and it was such a surreal feeling – to be there and to be holding a little, beautiful, and amazing baby that might be coming home with us…we were in love, that is for sure.  We were grateful that Z allowed us to be there and have time with Zoe.  Z wanted to see us before we left for the day.  She was in  her room and was holding Zoe.  We were happy, sad, emotional, anxious, nervous – we were all dealing with so many emotions and it was hard.   We had a hard time talking through the tears.  We thanked her for letting us be there.  We told her how beautiful Zoe was.  We gave her a letter we had written and flowers.  We told her we loved her and said our goodbyes for the night.  We ran into her mom in the hallway and we all hugged and cried even more. 

That night was full of so much – phone calls to family and friends, emails, Facebook messages, even a phone call at midnight from my boss who thought her call would just go to my voicemail – it was just surreal.  We were worried about what would happen the next day but exhausted.   We hoped Z was doing as best she could back at the hospital.

The day we brought Zoe home, we did not get to see Z or her family.  They had already left the hospital by the time we were asked to be there.  We hoped that she was okay.  We brought Zoe home that afternoon.

We hoped that all would go well until Z was able to sign the TPR, termination of parental rights, in court.  We had 30 days to wait.  We were in contact with her, mainly through email at that point.  We were amazed when she emailed us the day after Zoe came home and sent us pictures she and her family had taken of themselves with Zoe at the hospital.  They are such special pictures and something we will treasure always.  We could not get over the strength that Z showed.

Over those 30 days, we were busy being new parents.  We were aware that we had to wait for the TPR to be signed and that Z could decide to parent, but we focused on taking care of Zoe.  We kept in touch with Z, and she did not give us any reason to think she might decide not to place her with us.

As far as open adoption is concerned, before we met Z and her family, one of our worries was what happens if you choose to be open and then circumstances change?  What happens if one or both of the birthparents gets involved with something that would be harmful to the child?  How would that impact the family/the birthparents/the child?

After meeting Z and her mom at that first meeting and getting to know her over the months leading up to Zoe’s birth, we were not really worried.  We got along well.  She was so nice, and we could picture having a good relationship with her and her family.  With Zoe’s birthfather, we know his name and a little bit about him (from the adoption agency paperwork and from Z.)  We have never met him or had contact with him.  We wonder if we will have the opportunity to have contact at some point.

We are so incredibly happy that we have an open adoption.  Sure in the beginning we were a bundle of nerves during our first visits!  It was hard.  We wanted Z to know how much we loved Zoe, and we wanted her to be happy that she chose us.  We all got to know each other better with each visit.  I think we all feel much more comfortable now.

What is hard for us right now is that Zoe’s birthmom just moved out of state for college.  We miss her so much.  It is not going to be anywhere near as easy to see each other for visits.  We are sad about that.  Of course, we will still do whatever we can to make sure we stay in contact, and we are hoping that we get to see her soon.  We are sad that Zoe will not get to see her as often as she had been seeing her, but we understand.  We want her to follow her dreams and do what feels best to her.  It is just hard some days because we miss her.

Even though the adoption process is hard and can be stressful, we are so glad we were able to adopt and start our family.  We are so grateful that open adoption exists, and that Zoe is always going to know her birthmom.  She can get answers to questions she might have as she grows  up and have a special relationship with her.  Most importantly,  Zoe knows she is loved so much by everyone involved.