This is a picture of us in a sculpture garden in Saugatuck, MI. I think Steve blinked just as the picture was taken.

We went away this past weekend for a couple days. My birthday was yesterday, and I have been feeling so down lately. I didn't want to be home for my b-day. I guess I didn't feel up for much celebrating. So I had asked Steve if we could go somewhere overnight. He booked one night at a hotel not too far from Saugatuck, MI. I ended up adding on an additional night this past week. It worked out well.

I didn't forget our stresses, but it was nice to have something to distract myself a bit.

I go in tomorrow morning for our beta. I'm going to try to get there at 6:30am, so I can be one of the first patients seen. Tomorrow is also my first day back to school -- perfect timing,huh? Nothing like stress upon more stress!

We're going to have them call our house phone with the news. If it's bad news, I don't want to get it and then have to finish working the rest of the day. If it's good news, then we will find out together.

I wish all of this didn't have to be so hard.

So Upset Earlier...

The IVF nurse called and left a message on my cell phone. Unfortunately, I was in a workshop all day and couldn't really check my messages/or call her back. When I got to my car and listened to the message, she said that my progesterone was fine, but my estrogen was low: 128. The last time it was checked it was at 775, so that's a huge drop. She just said that I should increase my estradiol tablets to two a day instead of one.

After I drove home and really thought about it, I started to get pretty worried. Last time we did IVF, the same thing happened, but I remember the doctor saying she thought it might have been a lab error and not my actual level. So here it happened again, just a few days away from my beta. Pretty worried is an understatement. I was freaking out.

I talked to DH and he said I should try to get a hold of the nurse to ask her for more information. I tried emailing her, but the email came back to me. I decided to call the on-call line for the nurses. I'm so glad I did. I would have been worrying all night about it.

She said that there haven't been any studies done that show that low estrogen prevents you from getting pregnant. She also said that they have been doing their own internal study and have see women with higher estrogen not get pregnant and women with lower levels get pregnant. That made me feel better. She said they just wanted me to increase the dosage to bring it up a bit higher, but they are not worried about it.

I have been trying so hard this cycle - trying so hard not to cry, trying so hard not to get super-emotional, trying so hard to not take out my stress on dh, my family, or my friends, trying so hard to be positive and think about the good things that could be happening, tryng to just hold it together in general.

DH said he thinks I just hit a wall tonight. I started getting all choked up on the phone with the nurse and then after I hung up, I just started sobbing. I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I have to admit - I do feel much better. Maybe I should have cried a bit sooner :)