I Am So Grateful

Today I had a lot of reminders of how things have been tough for us over the last 2 1/2 years. To put it mildly, it was not the easiest of days.

I got home and pulled the mail out of the mailbox. I saw there was a package from my friend, Brenda. She sent such a kind, thoughtful card ...it was as if she knew what I was going to need to hear today! Brenda and I went through our IVFs together. We shared the stresses of the cycles, our hopes that our procedures would work, and our sadness when they did not. Right now Brenda is gearing up for her 3rd IVF cycle and I hope, with all of my heart, that this one works for her and her husband. They have been through so much and I know that she will make a wonderful, amazing mother.

Inside the package was a silver bracelet with a leather cord. It's just beautiful. The inscription on the bracelet reads, "Embrace the Journey." In the card, Brenda reminded me of the good things we've experienced through all of this as we have been on our journeys toward parenthood.

So even when I am reminded of our struggles (like I was reminded today) I need to remember so many other things, too:

...How I am so lucky to have such an amazing group of friends that understand and care. I wouldn't know you if it weren't for all of this.
...How I have grown more compassionate over these past few years.
...How our family supports us and loves us.
...How my husband and I are able to laugh at things that we never could have laughed at before.
...How we have gotten closer as a couple during something that can really pull couples apart.

Most of all, I need to remember that all of this is part of the journey to find our child. I really think that every part of that trip is going to make it even more wonderful when we finally meet him or her.
We'll remember all of the bumps in the road as well as all of the unforgettable moments. That will make bringing our child home even more special than it will already be.


I was trying to "pose" with the bracelet; I know I look goofy!

So Upset Earlier...

The IVF nurse called and left a message on my cell phone. Unfortunately, I was in a workshop all day and couldn't really check my messages/or call her back. When I got to my car and listened to the message, she said that my progesterone was fine, but my estrogen was low: 128. The last time it was checked it was at 775, so that's a huge drop. She just said that I should increase my estradiol tablets to two a day instead of one.

After I drove home and really thought about it, I started to get pretty worried. Last time we did IVF, the same thing happened, but I remember the doctor saying she thought it might have been a lab error and not my actual level. So here it happened again, just a few days away from my beta. Pretty worried is an understatement. I was freaking out.

I talked to DH and he said I should try to get a hold of the nurse to ask her for more information. I tried emailing her, but the email came back to me. I decided to call the on-call line for the nurses. I'm so glad I did. I would have been worrying all night about it.

She said that there haven't been any studies done that show that low estrogen prevents you from getting pregnant. She also said that they have been doing their own internal study and have see women with higher estrogen not get pregnant and women with lower levels get pregnant. That made me feel better. She said they just wanted me to increase the dosage to bring it up a bit higher, but they are not worried about it.

I have been trying so hard this cycle - trying so hard not to cry, trying so hard not to get super-emotional, trying so hard to not take out my stress on dh, my family, or my friends, trying so hard to be positive and think about the good things that could be happening, tryng to just hold it together in general.

DH said he thinks I just hit a wall tonight. I started getting all choked up on the phone with the nurse and then after I hung up, I just started sobbing. I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I have to admit - I do feel much better. Maybe I should have cried a bit sooner :)