I Am So Grateful

Today I had a lot of reminders of how things have been tough for us over the last 2 1/2 years. To put it mildly, it was not the easiest of days.

I got home and pulled the mail out of the mailbox. I saw there was a package from my friend, Brenda. She sent such a kind, thoughtful card ...it was as if she knew what I was going to need to hear today! Brenda and I went through our IVFs together. We shared the stresses of the cycles, our hopes that our procedures would work, and our sadness when they did not. Right now Brenda is gearing up for her 3rd IVF cycle and I hope, with all of my heart, that this one works for her and her husband. They have been through so much and I know that she will make a wonderful, amazing mother.

Inside the package was a silver bracelet with a leather cord. It's just beautiful. The inscription on the bracelet reads, "Embrace the Journey." In the card, Brenda reminded me of the good things we've experienced through all of this as we have been on our journeys toward parenthood.

So even when I am reminded of our struggles (like I was reminded today) I need to remember so many other things, too:

...How I am so lucky to have such an amazing group of friends that understand and care. I wouldn't know you if it weren't for all of this.
...How I have grown more compassionate over these past few years.
...How our family supports us and loves us.
...How my husband and I are able to laugh at things that we never could have laughed at before.
...How we have gotten closer as a couple during something that can really pull couples apart.

Most of all, I need to remember that all of this is part of the journey to find our child. I really think that every part of that trip is going to make it even more wonderful when we finally meet him or her.
We'll remember all of the bumps in the road as well as all of the unforgettable moments. That will make bringing our child home even more special than it will already be.


I was trying to "pose" with the bracelet; I know I look goofy!

4 Days After...

It's been four days since we found out the our 3rd IVF did not work. Coincidently, the day we found out was also my first day of school. In some ways, it was a good thing - I was able to see my students and keep busy with getting my classroom together. In other ways - it was so hard.

Very few people at my work know we did a 2nd and a 3rd IVF. One of the people that does know told me that I shouldn't lose hope - that we could adopt and then get pregnant. I tried to explain to her how that only about 6% of couples who adopt go on to have a biological child. Most importantly, though, is that we aren't going to adopt in the hopes of the adoption helping us to get pregnant. We will adopt because we want to become parents.

Steve told me he feels confused -- why didn't this work for us? I just feel such a sense of loss.

Book List

I love to read, and I love finding new books. I've been thinking that it would be nice to have a list of IF-related, IVF-related, and adoption-related books. I'm going to start it here, but if you add books that you like in my comments section, I'll add them to my list. You can even add a little review if you like, a description of the book, or how it helped you (or didn't help.) I would like to have a fiction section, too.

Books about Infertility

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler -- This is a book with a lot of basics and with additional information about charting and reproductive health. It's good if you're just starting out ttc.

Fertility & Conception by Zita West -- An easy to read early fertility book. (Posted by Jill)

Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein -- This is a memoir that deals with infertility treatments, miscarriage, and adoption. (Also recommended by kitty love)

Infertility Survival Guide by Judith Daniluk -- Good info for the beginning stages. (Posted by Andrea)(Also recommended by Ifoundhim)

A Few Good Eggs by Vargo and Regan -- Kkind of a 'girls' guide, made me laugh. (Posted by Andrea) (Also recommended by Morgan 2004)

The Conception Chronicles -- It was a light-hearted approach to our heartache (posted by Jill)

Unsung Lullabies -- A good one for coping with IF, the emotions that come with it, as well as relationships with others. (Posted by LostinSpace)

The Infertility Survival Handbook -- It goes through everything from finding an RE, testing/diagnoses/treatment, financial and marital strain, etc. It is written by a women who when through 7 years of IF. (Posted by LostinSpace)

Conquering Infertility (Posted by hopefaithlove)

Books about Infertility/Alternative Medicine

The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis -- My acupuncturist recommended this book to me. It's a pretty easy read with suggestions on how to make changes to your diet/lifestyle that my help with conceiving.

Fertility Wisdom by Angela C. Wu -- Traditional Chinese medicine and how it can help you overcome IF.

Inconceivable by Julia Indichova -- I read this a while ago. Indichova wrote about how she was trying to have a child and how her FSH (I believe) levels were very high. She used alternative medicine as well as dietary changes to help improve her FSH levels.

The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova -- Indichova writes about how she has worked with women who are trying to conceive and have not had previous success.



Books about IVF
Is Your Body Baby Friendly by Alan Beer -- This book is about IVF, but it's also about other steps your doctor could be taking if you've had m/c or failed IVFs. It's a pretty interesting book.

Everything Conceivable by Liza Mundy -- General info on ART and its ethical implications..interesting read, but made me kind of neurotic:) (Posted by Andrea)

The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization by Liza Charlesworth -- A good step-by-step approach to IVF (Posted by Jill) I second Jill's recommendation on "The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization". I would suggest this one to anyone just "thinking" about IVF as the first few chapters are about finding a good RE, testing, finances, etc. (Posted by LostinSpace)(Also recommended by krissyh21)

IVF the A.R.T. of Making Babies - (Posted by Morgan2004, krissyh21, and hannahandben)


Books about Adoption

From China with Love: A Long Road to Motherhood by Emily Buchanan -- Buchanan writes about her own struggles with infertility and how she chooses adoption. She eventually adopts two little girls from China. This was a really good book.

Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff -- Wolff addresses issues like "Will my child ever feel like mine?" and "Will she want him back?" I thought it was a good book.

A Love Like No Other: Stories from Adoptive Parents Edited by Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe -- I really liked this book. Each chapter is from a different parent's point of view. It's all about different adoption situations.

China Ghosts: My Daughter's Journey to America, My Passage to Fatherhood by Jeff Gammage -- This book is told from the adoptive father's point of view. He adopted his daughter from China. The story is about the process before and after the adoption and how he has tried to learn more about his daughter's background. Great book.

The Mistress's Daughter: A Memoir by A.M. Homes -- I just read this over the past few days. It's told from Homes' point of view. She was adopted as an infant. When she is about 30 years old, her birthmother asks to speak with her and meet her. The story is about what happens after that. It's not a very uplifting story at all, but I thought it was interesting.

Trail of Crumbs: Hunger, Love, and the Search for Home by Kim Sunee (A Memoir) I read this book recently, too. I really liked it. Sunee was born in Korea and was adopted a three year old. Her adoptive parents brought her back to New Orleans. Eventually as an adult, Sunee moves to France. The story is about how she tries to find her place in the world and it incorporates her love of cooking and food in the process.

Two Little Girls: A Memoir of Adoption by Theresa Reid --A woman and her husband journey to Moscow and Kiev to adopt their daughters.

Related by Adoption: A Handbook for Grandparents and Other Relatives

Adoption is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know -- I haven't read this, but saw it listed on a chatboard.



Fiction about Infertility, IVF, /or Adoption

The Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty -- The cover says, "Mix Bridget Jones with Charlotte from Sex and the City and you've got Emma, the charming heroine of The Baby Trail..."

The Martian Child by David Gerrold -- This is a novel based on a true story. It was also made into a movie with John Cusack (which is also really good.) I really liked this book. It's the story of a single father adopting a son.

Perfecting Kate -- that deals with IF (premature ovarian failure specifically). It's a pretty light read - sort of "chick lit". I liked it a lot! (Posted by hannanandben)





What other books would you add?

Lupron Shots

I went in for my ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. Everything looked fine, so I was able to start my Lupron shots tonight. I'll be doing all of my injections at 7am and 7pm. I will use 20 units Lupron twice a day and then I'll add in 300 units of Bravelle and 75 units of Menopur starting on Wednesday morning. I'll be doing those injections twice a day, too.

I am also going to go to a preparing-for-IVF meeting next Monday. They are holding it at my RE's office. I'll be able to talk with other patients who are going through IVF right now, too.

I'm doing okay tonight. I feel pretty good. Steve said to me that he is really happy that we are able to try again. That made me feel good and made me worry a little less.

How Strong is Strong Enough?

I just read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch right after our IVF didn't work. I loved the book, but one particular part stood out to me the most. Pausch was speaking about obstacles that prevent you from reaching your dreams. In his words,

“…brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”


Within the past week one of my sisters and a couple of our friends have said how strong they think we are. I have to admit that I haven't felt very strong at all in recent weeks.

Lately I feel like my feelings get hurt very easily. I go into self-preservation mode. I'm really worried that we will go through this IVF and it won't work. I'm not so worried about the going-through part of it...we've been through that part twice. That feels like old hat. The needles, the injections, the side effects - that doesn't really worry me. I'm worried about the call at the end of the
2 week wait. The call that I've gotten 6 times so far - after 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs. The call that I don't want to get anymore.

Part of me is still hopeful this will work. I think that would have to be the case, or I wouldn't be signing up for another round. I'm hopeful that my doctor knows what she's doing. I'm glad that she's willing to be more aggessive and try "newer" things. I feel like she hasn't given up on us, so why should we?

So for now, I'll try to find some strength each day. I think I can find that in the hopes of our families and of our friends. I know I can find it in my husband. He jokes and says that I am "a rock." I think he's the one who is the rock - he has been so supportive throughout the last two years (and during the last 15 years that I've known him.) Sometimes you can't find all of the strength in yourself and that's okay. Sometimes you need to let others be strong for you.