Waiting Families

On Thursday (June 11th) we attended a Waiting Families meeting at our agency. They host one every few months. We met after Steve was done with work and drove over together. For this meeting, the agency invited a birthmother and the adoptive parents to talk about their open adoption experience. We were so glad that we went to the meeting. I recognized the couple from our agency's website; they had been on the site back when we were deciding to go with the agency. They shared their experience of going through the home study and getting their profile ready. The birthmom talked about how she chose adoption and then about how she chose the couple. After meeting and getting to know each other, they decided the adoption would be an open adoption. They communicated through emails and texts and met up with each other for appointments as well. They have a similar relationship - emails, phone calls, visits - now as well.

It was really good to hear about such a positive experience on all sides. The birthmom seemed very happy with her choice of adoptive parents as well as with her choice to have an open adoption. The adoptive parents said they couldn't have dreamed of a better situation all-around. Their daughter (who is just 7 1/2 months old) was sitting with the three of them and kept hamming it up for everyone there!

We're both glad we went. We feel like we learn more each time we go. So far, we have heard from a birthmom and her family (her mother and her sister) as well as the adoptive couple and birthmom from Thursday night. We've also heard from another couple who adopted domestically, as well as a woman who (along with her husband) adopted internationally from Russia. We haven't heard any talks from the birthfather's perspective yet; maybe we will in the future.

Our weekend

This weekend was so pretty. Steve and I took a walk to the park nearby our house. It's right on the water. We took these pictures there. It finally felt a little bit like spring! Of course, it's been snowing all day today, so obviously spring is not quite here yet!

After being at the park, we went out to dinner. This was our "date" night for the week! So far we've been really good about doing something fun each week or weekend. It's so easy to get so busy and not make time for yourselves. So we went to dinner, and then went to see "I Love You, Man." (Very funny, by the way!)

When we were at dinner, we talked about all kinds of things. At one point, Steve started talking about insurance, and I kidded him about how that's not very date-like conversation. His response: "It's not easy being paper-pregnant. There's lots to plan for." I just love that he's thinking about all of this...he really wants to plan for our child's (children's) future. It was pretty cool to hear him say we're "paper pregnant" (home study is done), too. :)

He Takes Me the Way I Am

Do you know the song, "The Way I Am," by Ingrid Michaelson? I bought her cd yesterday, and I just love that song:

If you were falling, then I would catch you
If you need a light, I'd find a match

'Cause I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am

If you are chilly, here take my sweater
If your head is aching, I'll make it better

'Cause I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am



With all that's been going on with us, especially the waiting, Steve and I have been trying to do date nights at least once a week. He knew that I had a rough week this past week. (Thank you again to everyone who left comments for me...just had to deal with a lot of different things all at once.) He brought flowers home for me on Monday. We keep calling them miracle flowers because they still look just as pretty as the day he brought them home:



He is just such a good guy. I am so lucky to have him as my husband. He really does 'take me as I am.' He loves me and is there for me, no matter what. He tries his best to understand why I'm upset or sad and he always wants to fix it and make me feel better. He's just such a good person. On Thursday night we had our official date night. We went to a bookstore that we love and hung out for a while. We both love to read and it's fun to wander around to see what's new. I did have a book in my hand, but then I saw the title of the cd I mentioned above, and I knew I really wanted to hear the title song. It's called "Be Ok," and I felt like I kept telling myself all week long that I was going to be okay - I just needed to get through the long week. I bought it, and we listened to almost the whole cd on the way home. I really felt better after hearing it. (Hope that doesn't sound hokey.) I just think music (and art) have a way of healing and making you feel better.

Well, yesterday I came home from work and decided to check our agency's website to see if there were any changes. Every Friday our agency updates the links to our profiles. That's when they add new waiting families who have completed their home studies. They also highlight couples that have been linked with a birthmother or have had a baby boy or girl placed with them. I check the site every Friday to see if there are any changes. Last week there were no changes, but this week one new couple joined and two baby boys were placed with waiting couples. Over the past two months there have been quite a few babies placed (I think it's up to 9 right now.) They have had quite a few new birthmothers and waiting families sign up with the agency, too.

We've been so happy to see more and more couples matched and more babies placed. I guess it makes me feel more optimistic, especially since a few months ago, our agency was really struggling and things didn't look so positive.

We are hoping that our agency has shown our profile since our first update from our caseworker. I think our next update will be the first week of April. We also spent a lot of time over the past 2 weeks working on a grant application to send to an organization that helps families that are adopting. We figured it's worth a shot. Every little bit helps.

I had a nice moment the week before last...Someone who is working in my building told me that they have been going through a similar thing. She had heard that we want to adopt and she wanted to share her story with me. She had also been through infertility treatments and has dealt with loss. She and her husband chose to adopt after many years. She said they found their daughter's birthmother through an acquaintance of her mother. She said she really believes it's important to tell everyone you meet that you want to adopt. She said you never know who will know someone who is considering adoption. She also said that she and her husband are trying to adopt a second child right now. She offered to talk to me whenever I need to talk. It was really nice to meet someone who has been there before.

I hope this post doesn't ramble quite as much as I think it does! Things feel better today; I guess that's the main thing.

Monday's Meeting

The good news is our agency is not closing right now. The bad news is that the economy has had an effect on things. Not enough couples are signing up to adopt. People are not sure about investing large amounts of money when the economy is this bad.

The number of pregnant women coming to the agency seeking adoption for their children has dropped.

They need more money to send to the international programs to help with orphanages, but without additional money coming into the agency, it's very hard.

Many of the countries that our agency works with are experiencing their own problems; waiting parents are facing longer waiting times.

The agency has already tried to cut costs in many ways:

They are starting to do fundraising for the agency.
They are lookng at new ways to encourage pregnant women to consider adoption and choose the agency (Facebook, Myspace, etc.)
They are seeking donations from current waiting parents and relatives as well as families who have adopted previously.
They are raising their fees.

They are hoping that the fees, donations, and fundraising combined with new families that will hopefully come to the agency will be enough to keep the agency going for the next year.

We thought that they might be shutting down some of their offices or doing more layoffs. We hoped they weren't closing. We're willing to deal with the increase in fees. It could be much worse. They could be completely shutting down, and then we would lose the money we've invested. It would cost us even more (money and time) to move to another agency. Plus many agencies are facing these problems, too, because of the economy.

I'm glad that we know what's going on now. We'll deal with it. It's just hard. We're going to try to do some more networking in our community and amongst friends and family.

Interview #1

Well, it went really well. We were both a bit nervous before we went into the office, but we think it went well. Our case worker asked us a lot of questions. We spent about an hour with her. She went through questions about us dating, our marriage, us as parents, and confirmed some things we had written on our paperwork.

When we got home we jotted down some of the questions we were asked in case you are interested:

How did you come to choose adoption?
Do you know any birthmothers? Do you know anyone who has adopted? Was adopted?
How did you meet? When?
What caught your attention about the other person?
When did you marry? Previous marriages?
How would you describe your marriage?
How would you want your relationship to be with your child?
What is your philosophy on raising a child/discipline?
Will you work FT? PT? Stay at home?
How does your family feel about you adopting?
How would you deal with a family member that had a problem with the adoption?

Our case worker is going to read our profile tonight and talk to us about it tomorrow. We will probably have to make some changes here and there. We also looked at our photos and narrowed down the bunch. We'll be retaking some of them, too, so that they are as clear and bright as possible.

So far, so good. We're getting there...

Today's Consult

We had our consult today at the adoption agency. It went really well. Of course we were both so nervous. I know I barely slept last night. I kept having these crazy dreams, and then I would wake myself up from them. I do that when I'm anxious.

We met the director of domestic adoption. She was really nice and made us feel very comfortable. She told us the history of the agency and then told us about the adoption process. She said the average adoption (domestic) takes 12-24 months with their agency. The birthmothers choose you and then you are matched. They have about 90 waiting families right now. They place about 100 babies per year.

So now it's up to us to take the next step. We need to fill out the big formal application and mail it in with a check. Then we would go to a domestic adoption meeting either in October or November. After that we would move on with the Home Study.

We both left there feeling really positive and a bit overwhelmed. I'm glad it went so well.

Our Follow-Up with Dr. K.

We had our follow-up appointment with Dr. K. after work today.

I expected to go in and have her say that we could try another round with different medications or even higher amounts. She didn't.

She said she recommended that we either use donor eggs or that we adopt. My eggs were not good. She reviewed all three of our IVFs with us. She pointed out how during IVF 2 and 3, all of my eggs were fragmented. Some had darker areas on them, too. (That means they are older - either older in general, or that they were in the follicle too long before they could be retrieved.) The higher levels of medication (which she said were the highest she would put me on) didn't help with better eggs.

She recommended that we take a break, and if we are leaning more toward adoption, then that's what we should do. I told her that I would be worried to take such a gamble on donor eggs -- what if I actually have implantation issues as well as egg quality issues? I told her I just can't go through all of this heartbreak again.

She said that she knows we'll be parents someday, and that she hopes that if we decide to adopt, that we bring our baby in for a visit.

I could barely say thank you to her. I was crying so much it was hard to get the words out. We just feel so sad. I think part of me is a little relieved at this point, too, though. We made a decision and we're moving forward.

Book List

I love to read, and I love finding new books. I've been thinking that it would be nice to have a list of IF-related, IVF-related, and adoption-related books. I'm going to start it here, but if you add books that you like in my comments section, I'll add them to my list. You can even add a little review if you like, a description of the book, or how it helped you (or didn't help.) I would like to have a fiction section, too.

Books about Infertility

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler -- This is a book with a lot of basics and with additional information about charting and reproductive health. It's good if you're just starting out ttc.

Fertility & Conception by Zita West -- An easy to read early fertility book. (Posted by Jill)

Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein -- This is a memoir that deals with infertility treatments, miscarriage, and adoption. (Also recommended by kitty love)

Infertility Survival Guide by Judith Daniluk -- Good info for the beginning stages. (Posted by Andrea)(Also recommended by Ifoundhim)

A Few Good Eggs by Vargo and Regan -- Kkind of a 'girls' guide, made me laugh. (Posted by Andrea) (Also recommended by Morgan 2004)

The Conception Chronicles -- It was a light-hearted approach to our heartache (posted by Jill)

Unsung Lullabies -- A good one for coping with IF, the emotions that come with it, as well as relationships with others. (Posted by LostinSpace)

The Infertility Survival Handbook -- It goes through everything from finding an RE, testing/diagnoses/treatment, financial and marital strain, etc. It is written by a women who when through 7 years of IF. (Posted by LostinSpace)

Conquering Infertility (Posted by hopefaithlove)

Books about Infertility/Alternative Medicine

The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis -- My acupuncturist recommended this book to me. It's a pretty easy read with suggestions on how to make changes to your diet/lifestyle that my help with conceiving.

Fertility Wisdom by Angela C. Wu -- Traditional Chinese medicine and how it can help you overcome IF.

Inconceivable by Julia Indichova -- I read this a while ago. Indichova wrote about how she was trying to have a child and how her FSH (I believe) levels were very high. She used alternative medicine as well as dietary changes to help improve her FSH levels.

The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova -- Indichova writes about how she has worked with women who are trying to conceive and have not had previous success.



Books about IVF
Is Your Body Baby Friendly by Alan Beer -- This book is about IVF, but it's also about other steps your doctor could be taking if you've had m/c or failed IVFs. It's a pretty interesting book.

Everything Conceivable by Liza Mundy -- General info on ART and its ethical implications..interesting read, but made me kind of neurotic:) (Posted by Andrea)

The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization by Liza Charlesworth -- A good step-by-step approach to IVF (Posted by Jill) I second Jill's recommendation on "The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization". I would suggest this one to anyone just "thinking" about IVF as the first few chapters are about finding a good RE, testing, finances, etc. (Posted by LostinSpace)(Also recommended by krissyh21)

IVF the A.R.T. of Making Babies - (Posted by Morgan2004, krissyh21, and hannahandben)


Books about Adoption

From China with Love: A Long Road to Motherhood by Emily Buchanan -- Buchanan writes about her own struggles with infertility and how she chooses adoption. She eventually adopts two little girls from China. This was a really good book.

Secret Thoughts of An Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff -- Wolff addresses issues like "Will my child ever feel like mine?" and "Will she want him back?" I thought it was a good book.

A Love Like No Other: Stories from Adoptive Parents Edited by Pamela Kruger and Jill Smolowe -- I really liked this book. Each chapter is from a different parent's point of view. It's all about different adoption situations.

China Ghosts: My Daughter's Journey to America, My Passage to Fatherhood by Jeff Gammage -- This book is told from the adoptive father's point of view. He adopted his daughter from China. The story is about the process before and after the adoption and how he has tried to learn more about his daughter's background. Great book.

The Mistress's Daughter: A Memoir by A.M. Homes -- I just read this over the past few days. It's told from Homes' point of view. She was adopted as an infant. When she is about 30 years old, her birthmother asks to speak with her and meet her. The story is about what happens after that. It's not a very uplifting story at all, but I thought it was interesting.

Trail of Crumbs: Hunger, Love, and the Search for Home by Kim Sunee (A Memoir) I read this book recently, too. I really liked it. Sunee was born in Korea and was adopted a three year old. Her adoptive parents brought her back to New Orleans. Eventually as an adult, Sunee moves to France. The story is about how she tries to find her place in the world and it incorporates her love of cooking and food in the process.

Two Little Girls: A Memoir of Adoption by Theresa Reid --A woman and her husband journey to Moscow and Kiev to adopt their daughters.

Related by Adoption: A Handbook for Grandparents and Other Relatives

Adoption is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know -- I haven't read this, but saw it listed on a chatboard.



Fiction about Infertility, IVF, /or Adoption

The Baby Trail by Sinead Moriarty -- The cover says, "Mix Bridget Jones with Charlotte from Sex and the City and you've got Emma, the charming heroine of The Baby Trail..."

The Martian Child by David Gerrold -- This is a novel based on a true story. It was also made into a movie with John Cusack (which is also really good.) I really liked this book. It's the story of a single father adopting a son.

Perfecting Kate -- that deals with IF (premature ovarian failure specifically). It's a pretty light read - sort of "chick lit". I liked it a lot! (Posted by hannanandben)





What other books would you add?