Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Letting go a bit

When you decide that you are going to try to start a family, you don't really have much control over when and if it happens. I guess you could say that you can try to perfectly time things, but even then, it doesn't always happen. Although there are some people who say they are going to get start trying and get pregnant right away, this isn't how it happens for a lot of people. (This is me speaking as someone who thought it would be great to time a pregnancy so the baby would arrive at the end of the school year. Then I would have an entire summer before the new school year.) Well, we found out that we had no control over that.

Then after we got help from specialists, the only control we had over our situation was making decisions. For example, we decided what treatments we wanted to try. Ultimately, though, we still had no control over how things would end up.

After going through all of those procedures, I finally felt like I had some control when we decided to stop treatment. We both needed to stop. Making the decision to pursue adoption gave us back some control over the way we were going to build our family. I realize that when our child's adoption happens is out of our control, but there have been other things that we've been able to do in the meantime. Filling out the huge application and all of the forms was the giant step for us. Getting our fingerprints taken and having our physicals done was another checkmark on the list. Having our interviews completed by our caseworker and attending meetings -- all of it makes us feel like we're headed in the right direction.

There have been times during the waiting that have been hard for me. Hearing other's pregnancy news has been hard. I'm so happy for them, but it's hard to not think about our own situation, too, and how we've been trying to just start our family for the past 3 years. I am really lucky that I recently met someone through my work who is also in the adoption process right now. (I may have already mentioned this.) It felt so good to meet someone who has been there and is adopting for a second time.

So, the waiting has been hard. It's also been kind of cool in some ways. I feel like all of this is preparation. I'm working on an adoption scrapbook. It has all kinds of info in it from when we decided on our agency up until now (well, not quite now, because I have a few more pages to work on, but you get the idea.) I have had the chance to read adoption blogs written by people who are at all different stages of adoption. I've had the chance to "meet" even more people through adoption chatboards and share our experiences. I've read A LOT about adoption from children's books, to memoirs, to informational books.

I am a huge fan of Adoption Stories on tv! (I dvr them and rewatch them all the time.) Steve and I have also been figuring out what we want our nursery to look like. We don't know if we'll eventually adopt a boy or a girl so there are things that we'll have to decide on later, but it's been fun for us to plan and figure out what types of things we like.

The waiting has also given Steve and I chance to become closer. We have been really taking time to do things together that we enjoy. We love books and bookstores, so we've been spending a lot of time in them. We went to a book signing for one of Steve's favorite authors on Monday. His name is Jim Butcher, and he writes science fiction. It was pretty exciting to see how happy Steve was to listen to him speak and to meet him.

We're also going to take some kind of day trip on Friday. Not sure where yet. Not sure what we'll do. We've been talking about a couple of possibilities. It will be nice to just hang out and see something new.

So even though the waiting is hard, I'm appreciative of what we've been doing during the time. You have to let go a bit of the idea of being able to control things and just have faith that it will happen. Some days that comes easier than others.
I know every moment will be worth it when we meet our little one.


Rebekah said...

You're doing it exactly right! Ben and I have enjoyed alone time, fun trips, and pre-planning for baby, too! Keep positive and baby will be here before you know it :).

Next in Line said...

I love what you said about having faith and letting go. You are so right.
I hope you two have tons of fun together now while you wait, and then when your little one comes you will have a new kind of fun.

Lost in Space said...

This is such a great post, Wendy. Letting go of that control is so hard to do. We are conditioned to keep plugging away at something until we accomplish our goal. There's something to be said for stepping back, letting go of some of the control, and realizing that there is another way to get there.

I love that you and Steve are taking the time to just enjoy one another. It really is such a good feeling!

So now I know who to ask for book suggestions.... (-;

Erica said...

It's a journey, not a destination...right :) I all the time remind myself to enjoy this time, just like we would have enjoyed our "nine months." We just get an extended baby-moon, that's all. :)

Anonymous said...

You are so right about needing to let go a bit and enjoy this period of waiting. (something I struggle with daily!) Sometimes I find myself alone with my husband, sharing looks, and laughing at inside jokes, and I realize, once we do have children, this special alone time will be very limited, and I don't want to take it for granted now because I'm obsessed with the waiting.

Your post really touched me. :-D

LisaC said...

What a nice "from the heart" kind of post. Enjoyed reading it and all you shared. I would love to feature your blog on my blog at (connected to Do you have any pages done yet you would want to share about? Lisa

Lana said...

That was a very deep, spoken from the heart post Wendy. I love how you and Steve are taking this time to explore each other alot more. Your baby will be here before you know it!!

Anonymous said...

Oh yes it certainly does not always work out the way you plan. With my husband in the military, it's hard to really plan anything. Last year he was going to be in school for nearly 10 months. What a perfect time to start TTC. He would be here, guaranteed! Oh he was here alright... but the rest didn't happen the way we planned/prayed/hoped.

Jamie said...

you are so will all be worth it, but some days are better and easier than others. :) such a healthy perspective. and when your day happens to not be an "easier" one ~ it's okay to let it all out! :) hang in there ~ a friday day trip sounds wonderful!!

A to Z said...

Hi!!! I don't know you, but I found your blog through Joanna & Ben's blog (my husband used to work with Joanna's sister...) So....I just wanted to tell you that we adopted a baby boy six months ago, and I completely relate to everything you are writing/feeling. If you would like to connect (I LOVE talking about adoption!!!!), please feel free to email me at We have a blog that I'd love to share with you and although it's mostly about our son now, I did write some things earlier in the process about our waiting. Amy

Erin said...

You're doing the right thing, always moving one step closer. I'm proud of you for relinquishing that control... such a tough thing to do. I admire you guys so much.


G & H said...

Hi I was just blog browsing and found your blog and we are right at the " Do we begin IVF or is the Lord calling us to adopt" phase and I think you would have some wonderful tips/advice for us!!!!

Look forward to following your story!

E said...

It's a process, letting go, isn't it? I've had a similar first, (foolishly) thinking that deciding to TTC was the hard part, then going through treatment and finally ending up where we are now, waiting to adopt. I think that one of the biggest lessons I've learned from our infertility is to live in the now and that the best-laid plans don't always work out. It's a struggle to apply those lessons, but I try. Focusing on each other as a couple, as you're doing, really helps.

Me said...

I've been very behind on blogs due to work and then traveling. But this post just made me BURST with smiles. What a lovely post!