The future

It is very hard for us to understand why trying to have a baby has taken so long. We never dreamed that we would have problems once we decided we were ready. Now, here we are, a year later, 14 cycles, and our baby is still not here. It's so hard - this feeling like that special little person is missing from our lives. We don't even know him or her - have never met - but there is such a void.

I want to be able to talk about it, but I think it's hard for people to understand, especially if you have not gone through this. Every month we get excited about the possibility and every cycle for 14 cycles we have been let down. Every month I have cried. Every month Steve has had to console me and I him. It's so hard. I feel broken in a way. We still don't know what is wrong. We're diagnosed with "unexplained infertility." We've gone through so much and the journey may just be beginning for all we know.

I have spoken to my gynecologist. I had bloodwork done, and she has tested my LH, my FSH, my prolactin. She suggested having an HSG done. While the test is usually not so bad for most people, it was incredibly painful for me. (Dye is shot up through your fallopian tubes to see if they are clear.) Even though I had so much pain, everything was clear. We were told that for the 3 cycles after the HSG you are supposed to be at your most fertile.

My doctor tried me on a month of Clomid to try to increase the number of follicles/eggs I was producing. Nothing worked. My gynecologist couldn't do anything else for us. She referred us to a reproductive endocrinologist. She spoke with us for a long time about very personal issues - our health, our organs, our history, our relationship - and then decided to go with a protocol of Clomid, a trigger shot of Ovidrel, and IUIs (intra-uterine-insemination.) IUIs are a form of AI - artificial insemination.

So each month for the past 2 months (and for this month) I take Clomid and I have to go in for repeat ultrasounds to make sure that I don't have any leftover cysts and that I have new follicles that are growing. Then when I'm ready, I have to inject myself with a needle full of a drug that will regulate when I ovulate. That way it will be timed for when I have the IUI. And then we wait.

The whole process is very expensive. Our insurance will not cover the procedures themselves. If we have to move onto IVF, I am not sure how we will do it. Loans, maybe. I don't know.

I also started to see an acupuncturist for our infertility issues. He was referred to me by my R.E. He's been great. He's also shown me how changing my diet and taking a few supplements may actually help my body become ready to have a baby. It's possible that my poor circulation (cold hands, cold feet, cold nose) could be related to why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. So I'm also trying a healthier diet, and I need to exercise more.

So, that's where we are. Next Thursday I'll go in to see my RE again and to come up with a game plan for the next 3 months. I don't know what she'll say...she may decide to add injectables to our routine. That's even more shots that I'll have to give myself! Fun.

I guess I needed to write all this down. Maybe if you're reading this you'll understand a bit better what we're going through. It's hard. Very very hard.