Friday, February 27, 2009

Thinking of our baby...

Our family and friends have been very supportive of our decision to adopt. On one of the chatboards that I go on, some of the recent posters have written that their family members and friends have not been supportive. I feel like Steve and I are very fortunate to have people around us who are excited for us to become parents through adoption. My mom and dad are going to be such amazing grandparents. I know they are looking forward to it so much. Steve's mom, who is already a grandma to our little nephew, is so excited to know that another grandchild is on his/her way to us. She is going to be such a great grandmother and is so looking forward to it, too. I know my sisters can't wait to become aunts. They are going to be those fantastic aunts who spoil their niece or nephew like crazy. Steve's brother and my sister-in-law are wonderful parents so I have no doubt they will be an equally wonderful aunt and uncle.

People have asked us quite often how things are going with our process. I really appreciate it when someone asks me how I've been feeling. This is such an emotional process with so many ups and downs. And for us, it is just the beginning of what could be an even longer journey. (Of course, we're hopeful that it will be shorter than expected, but we know the time frames we have heard are between 12 months and 2 years.)

If you are family member or friend, or if you are someone who has read my blog before, you know what we have been through in our attempts to start our family. Month after month we tried to conceive on our own, injected fertility drugs, tried 4 IUIs, and completed 3 IVFs. All of our attempts were unsuccessful and were so incredibly hard to handle. But we did. We handled each month as best as we could (some probably better than others, I'm sure.) Then we tried to move onto our next step. That's how we are; we're both problem-solvers and we try to be proactive. If something's not working, we try to figure it out or figure out another plan.

Since deciding to adopt, some people (family members, friends, coworkers, strangers...)have suggested to us that we'll get pregnant now because we're adopting. I know the comment is not meant in a hurtful way, but it hurts so much to hear it. The fact is that only 8% of couples who adopt actually end up getting pregnant with a biological child. That leaves a lot of couples in that 92%...the odds are definitely not in anyone's favor of getting pregnant. While we would welcome a pregnancy, it is highly unlikely that we will get pregnant on our own. That's why we went to an reproductive specialist in the first place. And if a pregnancy were to happen, great. It would be a blessing. However, after our 3rd and final IVF, I started to see that I needed to start to deal with the fact that I will most likely not experience my (our) own pregnancy. This has not been easy for me, especially as other people I know have experienced their own recently. This past month I dealt with another cycle gone by, as 2 other people I know gave birth.

While God may not have me being pregnant in mind, I do believe that we are meant to be parents. That I do not doubt for one second. We have a HUGE amount of love to give a child. We want to see his or her smiling face every morning when our baby wakes up. We want to kiss away the tears when the boo-boos happen. We want to hold our baby and rock him or her to sleep in our arms.

Our baby. That sounds so wonderful. And our baby is going to come to us through adoption, and we will be honored and blessed to have it happen that way. Adoption is not a second choice for us; it is another choice, and it is our best choice.


Erica said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. People STILL tell me that and it's been a year since my hysterectomy. It's like it's such a programmed response they say it without thinking/analyzing whether or not that is a realistic possibility.

I think some times about our baby being out there...somewhere, like a little gem waiting to be discovered. And it gives me chill bumps...what a good day that will be to finally meet in person. :)

Lana said...

It very good that your family are supportive of your adoption journey. Most people don't get that. The thing about people is that they don't intentionally try to be ignorant, sometimes they don't know how to respond to certain situations so they just say the first thing that comes to the mouth. Good luck to you.


Anonymous said...

What a sweet and thoughtful post Wendy. I don't know you or your husband personally, but I can also tell that you both will be wonderful parents.

Erin said...

Hi Wendy,

I'm glad you have so much support. That child will become the light of your life, and I hope he finds you soon. Somewhere, he waits. And your act will be so much more heroic than the act of giving birth; you'll be saving a life. What could be more courageous, more selfless, more honorable than that? Like everyone else here, I can't wait for that day.

Waiting with you until then...
Love, E

Kristen said...

Oh Wendy, I completely understand. As we are starting our road down surrogacy, I can't count the number of people who have told us the same thing ("you know you'll get pregnant while your surrogate is pregnant, or shortly thereafter").

After all of your heartache, to have a supportive family and friend base is going to make you even MORE incredible parents. I hope your wait isn't too long!!!

Lorraine said...

If nothing else ever comes of my experience with infertility, at least I will never tell someone to "just relax", that a miscarriage was probably nature's way of handling a problem, or that adoption will cause a surprise pregnancy.

I hope your baby finds you soon!

E said...

High five, Wendy! I loved your post. I know that when we've heard this from loved ones, it was not meant to be hurtful, but it does hurt. If they haven't been through it themselves, people just don't get it.

I'm glad to read that you have a great support system in your family. My blog is not open to close family and friends yet....but I can see that it is not only a good way to share the adoption experience, as well as a good forum to help educate about adoption!!

Jodi said...

I'm not even sure how I came across your blog, but you seem like a lovely person! I hope and pray that you will get matched soon!

Wendy said...

Erica -- I can't believe people say that to you, even after you've had a hysterectomy. Crazy. I love how you described your baby as a little gem. :) That's makes me smile.

Lana -- Thanks. I really appreciate that our families have been so supportive. I can't imagine if they weren't...

Kat -- Thanks so much. I hope we'll be really good parents!

Erin -- Thanks for what you wrote and for waiting with me. :) I am really thankful to have you and everyone else here checking in on us.

Kristen -- I hope we don't have to wait to long, either, and I wish you all of the best with your journey to your baby, too.

Lorraine -- All of this has taught me a lot, too. What a very huge learning experience. It definitely makes me put myself in others' shoes.

Eileen -- I didn't mention my blog to family and friends before, but it's pretty much open now. I told my parents and my sisters about it, only to find out that they've known about it for months...I hope that it's helped them understand what we've been going through these past few years. I do think that I will be able to share our experiences on here and maybe use it to educate others as well.

Jodi - Thank you very much!

Jamie said...

Wendy ~ thank you for saying this in such a graceful way. :) I always cringe when I get those comments about "having your own". Those words in general just send chills up my spine.
I wish you a wonderful journey through adoption to find your baby....I pray the wait is short and the blessings are abundant. :)It certainly does help to surround yourself with the support of others going (or having gone) through the same thing. :)

Erin said...

Hi Wendy,

Thinking of you... just want you to know I'm here waiting still, with you.

Stay strong!

Kat said...

Thank you so much for a wonderful blog, one I've only just come across recently. The encouragement of good freinds is such a blessing, isn't it? I've come to really cherish that when I am fortunate enough to experience it.

E and Wendy, thank you for sharing that your blogs were not initially open to friends. I have just recently made my first post on a blog I created years ago (yes, it's taken me this long to get the courage to begin it) and I thought I was crazy to yearn to get my story out there and want others to read it... as long as those "others" weren't close friends. While we opened up to people at the beginning of our journey, I hope to again get to the place in which I'm fully comfortable sharing this with them soon.