A visit with Zoe’s birth mom and her birth family

We celebrated Christmas this past weekend with Zoe’s birthmom, her birthmom’s parents, and her birthmom’s brothers.  We got together at our house and visited.  They got to see how much Zoe has grown – it really is amazing how much she’s grown since they saw her for her birthday.

We talked and had lunch together.  Zoe showed her birthmom all of the ornaments on her little tree and told her about them.  Her birthmom and her birthgrandma made her the shadowbox with her name in the picture below.  It’s so beautiful – it’s so special and such a wonderful keepsake for Zoe.   

Zoe got to be silly – she loved playing and pulling out all her toys.  She loved chasing after one of her birth uncles, too.  It was such a nice visit…I’m so glad that they were able to come and get together.  I love that Zoe gets to see her birth family and spend time with them.  We’re really grateful that they are a part of our lives.

Zoe turned 2! (just added a couple more pics)

                       

Over the weekend, we had a birthday party for Zoe with our family.  We invited Zoe’s birth mom and her family.  She was able to come with her boyfriend, and we’ll be getting together with the rest of her family this weekend.

We had such a great time – Zoe had a good day playing with her relatives, including her little cousin L who is close to her age.  We even got a huge surprise when Zoe’s Aunt Tracy walked in the door!  She’s been working out of state and we haven’t seen her for a while. It was great to have her at the party.

Here are a few pictures from the big day…

Zoe  sitting in the backyard at Grandma and Grandpa’s

The 3 of us

Tracy walking in to surprise us

Ladybug themed desserts:

Back at home…dancing in the sunlight in our kitchen

She looks like she’s striking a disco pose!

Time for night-night – all ready for bed in pajamas from Aunt Barb and Uncle John!

Talking more about open adoption

A few of my blog readers asked me to talk a little more about what open adoption specifically  means in our situation.  LisaAnne at Living Through Today asked me to talk about the level of openness in our adoption.  Erin said she likes learning how our open adoption works because they all seem so different.  ArmyWife at My Story wrote how she is “open to the idea of adoption” and “wanted to know more about your experience as I have always felt I wouldn’t consider an open adoption.”

When we first started looking into adoption, we had a basic knowledge of it based on the experiences of our friends.  I remember how my 7th grade teacher adopted a little girl through international adoption.  One of my childhood friends was adopted from Korea.  A sister of one of my friends was adopted through domestic adoption.  One of our very close friends was also adopted through domestic adoption.  So over the years we have both had some experiences with adoption, although not in our families.

Before we met with our agency and while we were a waiting couple, we did some research.  Our agency required us to read two books.  We chose Dear Birthmother and Adopting After Infertility from the list we were given.  I couldn’t get enough information – I read adoption memoirs, how-to-adopt books, adoptive parent and birth parent blogs, adoption-related websites, and anything else I could get my hands on!  I also joined adoption chat boards and read a lot about what other waiting parents were going through.  It made me feel a connection – like we weren’t alone in what we were going through.

Through all of the research and reading, we learned about different types of domestic adoption – closed, semi-open, and open.  As we attended meetings at our agency, we learned more.  Our caseworker ran one of the meetings where we learned about what each type of adoption means and how it can look in different situations.  We learned that semi-open adoptions are the most common within our agency, but that open adoptions are encouraged as well.  Closed adoptions happen but are more rare.  They do have adoptions where babies who were dropped off at a hospital can be placed with an adoptive couple; I think these are called “safe haven” placements if I remember right.  My guess is that these adoptions tend to be closed unless a birthparent leaves contact information at the hospital.

The birthparents decide what type of adoption they would prefer.  Once they make that decision, they can look through profiles of adoptive couples to decide who they would like to choose to be their  child’s adoptive parents.  Our agency basically defines the types of adoption as this:

Closed:  No contact between the birth parents, adoptive parents, and child.

Semi-open:  Adoptive parents send letters and pictures to the birth parents at designated times throughout the year, such as at 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, etc. up to age 18.

Open:  Adoptive parents send birth parents letters and pictures (the same as semi-open adoption) but also agree to a yearly visit or two with the birth parents.  Open adoption can include the sharing of personal/private information such as last names and addresses.  It can include communication by phone and email as well. 

So back to our particular situation.  Zoe’s birth mom wanted an open adoption.  When we met with her (during the summer before Zoe was born)we talked about what she wanted that to look like.  It included  letters and pictures and up to 2 visits with Zoe and us per year.

What we have at this point is so much better than that.

We got to know Zoe’s birth mom over the summer prior to Zoe’s birth.  We emailed each other and talked on the phone.  In fact, during our first meeting, I think we even felt comfortable enough to exchange cell phone numbers and emails (maybe even addresses?)  I can’t quite remember.  But we had contact over those months, and I was able to even see her birth mom a few times.  She had invited me to a doctor appointment and to a labor/delivery class.  I won’t ever forget that she let me into her life like that and wanted me to be a part of it with her.  We met some of her family members over the summer, too, and that was great to start to get to know them, too.

When Zoe was 6 months old, we had our first visit with her birth mom, her birth grandparents, and one of her birth uncles.  We invited them to our home for lunch.  It was really nice (even though as  I mentioned in the last blog post, I was so nervous!)  But we had a great time, took pictures, and talked.  LisaAnne also wrote, “I would also like to know how you came to that level of openess. Was it 'agreed upon' or did it happen organically?”   We originally agreed to the pictures, letters, and 2 visits like her birth mom had asked.  We do not have any contact with her birth father at this point, but we are open to it if it happens.  We just took it one visit at a time, I guess, so I would say it happened more organically.  We all get along and like to spend time with each other.  We also feel that it is really important for Zoe to have contact with her birth mom and birth family.  We also had visits when Zoe was 9 months old, one year, 15 months old, 19 months old, and 22 months old.  Four out of the six visits have been here at our home.  One of the visits was at my parents’ house for Zoe’s 1st birthday, and one of the visits was at the zoo.  Two of the visits were during the holidays – once at Christmas and once at Easter.  Some of the visits were at her birth mom’s request and some were at ours.   We’re hoping to see her birth family next weekend for Zoe’s 2nd birthday, too. 

So in her 2 years, we’ll have met up 7 times.  We talk on the phone and online.  We text.  We mail and email photos and letters.  We send her birth family cards, and we send her birth  mom little things now and then.  Her birth mom and her birth family have given Zoe gifts when they’ve visited, and they are very special keepsakes.  We feel really fortunate to be able to spend time with her birth family.  We love that they have seen how Zoe had been growing and learning so much.  It means so much to us that she has a relationship with them.  We know that every adoption is not like this.  We certainly don’t take it for granted.  We’re so fortunate to be in a situation where we all want the same thing – we all want Zoe to know how much she is loved.   We’re so appreciative that they want to be a part of our lives and that they let us be a part of theirs.

PS.  Just want to congratulate Kelly E. at The Big Long Wait who, when she commented, was waiting to take their 1 week old daughter home.  Hope you are doing well!

Open Adoption–Positives and Challenges

I wanted to say again how nice it was to read the comments from my earlier post and to see how many readers have followed this blog either since Zoe came home or from long before that.  Like I wrote in the last post, I have been unsure of what to write.  I have wondered if I should continue writing the blog or not.  I really love to write; I am just unsure of the direction I want it to go.  I want to focus as much as possible on adoption (open adoption, specifically), but I also debate with myself about how much is okay to share.  This is an experience that belongs to more than just me – it impacts our daughter, my husband, my family, and of course, Zoe’s birth family.  As I write my posts, I find myself trying to write in a way that will honor and respect everyone.  I also find myself wanting to share more because I really feel so passionately about adoption.  I love sharing our experience and encouraging others, too.

I had said that I would answer all of the questions asked in my earlier post.  Penelope mentioned in her comment that she would “love to know more about the good/challenging things in an open adoption.”  There are so many great things about having an open adoption with Zoe’s birth mom, Z.  I am so thankful to her for wanting to be in Zoe’s life and to be in our life.  She’s part of our family.  We have gained so much by having this relationship.  Zoe does not understand adoption yet, but she knows that she is very loved by Z and her family.  Zoe is so happy when she sees them. 

Zoe’s birth mom is a really strong, brave person.  She made such a hard decision and has impacted our lives forever. She is funny and kind,and it has been wonderful learning more about her each time we visit (or talk, text, or email.)

My husband agrees with me, but he also added a few things to what we appreciate about having an open adoption.  Steve brought up how it is really a positive thing to have medical information about our daughter.  And if something  should come up health-wise, we could ask Z about it.

Steve also brought up that it has been a gift to us to get to know Z and to see how she has been doing since choosing adoption for her/our daughter.  And we are so glad that she (and her family) get to see how Zoe is doing.  Zoe will have a relationship with her birth mom.  She will know how loved she is by her birth mom, uncles, and grandparents.  Because of our open adoption, we are connected to each others’ lives.

As far as challenges go, I guess there are some.  I know that I was incredibly nervous when we got together the first time.  We were so excited to see them and for Zoe see her birth family.  But I was so nervous about what to say.  I really wanted her birth mom to see how much we love Zoe and how beyond-thrilled we were/are to be her parents.  I also wanted her to be happy she chose us.  That’s a lot of pressure, you know?

Steve and I also talked about how when we adopted Zoe, we went from a couple to a couple with a daughter to a family of three with an even bigger family.  You have to be sensitive and respectful to everyone’s feelings.  Of course we have always tried to be respectful to our family members, anyway, but then you suddenly have a whole new section of your family.  You have to consider a lot of different feelings and get to know the new family members as you go.

Penelope also wrote: “If you plan on adopting again, how (if at all) would you change aspects of the birth parent involvement?”  We would love to adopt again, but we are not sure if/when it will happen.  I will probably write about that in another post.  But as far as would I change aspects of the birth  parent involvement…If we were in a similar situation with another birth parent or a set of birth parents, I would not hesitate to have the same level of openness.  We got to know Zoe’s birth mom prior to Zoe being born and we were comfortable with the idea of having an open relationship with her.  As long as we felt that way, we would be happy to have another open adoption relationship.

I think I will stop here for now..I will read through the comments again and see if there are other questions to answer in my next post.  I will leave with a pic from our Labor Day weekend…we spent some time at the lake with my parents.  Zoe is quite comfortable on Grandpa’s boat!

Answering your questions

In my last post, I asked a few questions about who you are, how you found my blog, and what you would like to read more of or less of here.  I guess I have kind of felt like I am in a blog slump these days.  Does that even make sense?  I want to write (I love to write), but I haven’t been sure of what to write about.  And we’ve had a busy summer, but then I wonder if other people are interested in that or not.  So I really appreciate how so many readers responded and made suggestions.  And thank for all of the nice compliments, too – that was very kind and I guess I needed a little pat on the back to know that people are still interested in reading what I have to write.  So thank you.  It was really interesting to see who has been reading this for a while and see who has just recently started reading my blog.

I figured I’ll read through the comments and answer your questions.  I might need to use a few posts to do it, though.   I’ll start with Journey’s comment.  Journey at Our Journey To You wrote, “I would love to know what books you read or sites you visited either before/during/after applying.” 

I love my subscription to Adoptive Families magazine; if you don’t already get it, I suggest getting a subscription.  They have a lot of good articles every month.  I also liked Dear Birthmother.  Our agency required we read two books and that was one of our choices.  Adopting After Infertility was good, too.  The two books on the bottom of the pile – The Complete Adoption book and Adoption for Dummies – are good when you are just starting out.  I would probably recommend the Dummies book – not the greatest title but it breaks down information for the reader.  I loved reading memoir-style books – I know I read more than what’s even pictured here.  But a couple of my favorites were Trail of Crumbs, From China With Love, China Ghosts, and Two Little Sisters.  We weren’t sure whether we would do international or domestic adoption in the beginning, so I read books about both.

These are some children’s books about adoption that we like:

I Wished For You: An Adoption Story by Marianne Richmond
This one made me get so teary-eyed! It's about a little bear named Barley and how he was adopted. It uses accurate adoption language; it addresses why someone might choose adoption; it brings up how the adoption process is involved...
A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza
This is a book about a little bird who lives alone and wishes for a mother. He meets animals and asks if they could be his mother. Eventually he meets a bear who shows him how they don't have to look alike to feel like a family.
We Belong Together: A Book About Adoption and Families by Todd Parr
I LOVE this book. I love the way it's written and how it could apply to so many different types of families.
Horace by Holly Keller
This is a story about a little cheetah that was adopted by a tiger family. He worries that his adoptive family might not like his spots. He finds out how much they really love him and how happy they are to be a family.
Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis
I love the illustrations in this book - there are so many great details. I love how the book is written, too...

And as far as websites or blogs about adoption that I read when we were starting out (and continue to read now):

One of the first blogs I read about adoption was Kate’s blog:  josiej2011.  I remember following Kate’s story of the adoption of their daughter, Josie.  At one point, I “lost” her blog…not sure how I managed that, but recently Kate commented here and we ‘connected’ again.  It’s great to see how they are all doing.

Production, Not Reproduction is a great blog about open adoption.  She tends to have a lot of links to other great blogs as well.

Karen writes One Good Egg, a blog about adopting from Foster Care.  She and I have “known” each other for quite a while.  I think we found each other on a chatboard years ago, if I remember right!

Brenda is the author of the blog, Forgetting to Remember to Forget.  She went through the same rollercoaster of infertility that we experienced and we supported each other along the way.  She and her husband have started on a journey to adopt as well!

Ella Minnow Pea is written by Rebekah and tells the story of their adoption of their son, Parker.  (She shares her own graphic design work and inspirations, too…it’s a beautiful blog.)

Melba writes Dreams Really Do Come True.  Melba writes about her son, Charlie, and the adoption process.  She also writes about life with a toddler.  I wrote a post about meeting up with Melba and Charlie just a week or two ago.

There are a lot of blogs on my sidebar, too…I recommend checking those out if you haven’t yet…Life According to Leah, When Hello Means Goodbye, Our Life in the Farm, Keeping Up with the Johnstons, Heart Cries, and The Road Less Traveled are just a few….These are blogs that I came upon during the adoption process.

There are also some really wonderful blogs out there written by birthmothers.  You might want to check out:  Birthmomtalks, It’s Just One Hat, and Amstel Life.   

If anyone wants to add more suggestions to the list (of books, websites, or blogs) feel free to leave a comment. I know I’m forgetting some! 

I’ll answer more of the comments/questions in some  upcoming blog posts.  Thank you again.

Friends through Blogging and Adoption

Melba and I have been reading each other’s blogs for quite a while.  She’s a great writer – check out her blog here:  Dreams Really Do Come True. 

We met for the first time last summer.  Her son, Charlie, and Zoe were so little then:

And here they are today – we met at the same kids’ museum:

At one point we talked about how it’s so nice to have friends who really understand the whole process of adoption – people who have been through it all.  I know I feel really lucky to know Melba and Charlie – I’m hoping that we can together again really soon. 

I loved hearing Zoe try to say Charlie’s name…it was kind of like Chaw-lie.  So sweet. 

Lifebook and Birthfamily Visit

One of the things I really wanted to do this summer was make a book for Zoe about her adoption story.  I ended up using Snapfish to put the whole thing together.  I think as she gets older, we’ll work on a newer book together; that way, Zoe can add in drawings or pictures that she wants to include, too. 

The book begins with us waiting for a baby and then getting “the call.”  I included pictures of her with her birth mom and birth grandparents at the hospital.  I included pictures of us holding her for the first time, too.  There are pictures of her coming home, family and friends who came to visit, and visits that we’ve had over the past 22 months with Zoe’s birth mom.  I tried to write it so that it would be easy for her to understand at this age. 

She loves looking at it.  In fact, once she pulls it out and brings it over to one of us, we know that we’re going to be reading it multiple times in a row.

We got together with Zoe’s birth mom (and her family and her boyfriend).   It was really good to see them. We met at our house and hung out for a bit.  Then we headed up to the splash park for a little bit.  We came back to our house and sat outside in the backyard and watched Zoe run around in her little pool and playhouse.  It was a really nice afternoon.  It was great to see how much fun Zoe had with everyone.  We’re so glad we were all able to get together.

Happy Adoption Day 2011, Zoe!

One year ago today we were in a courtroom, not too far from our home.  We stood before a judge and we legally became Zoe’s parents.  It was such an exciting, emotional day…

The judge had literally just gotten back from vacation…can you see the sandals still on her feet?!  I remember her asking us if we understood all of the responsibilities that went along with legally becoming her parents and if we would accept them.  We couldn’t have said yes any faster than we did!  It was such a wonderful day. 

Here’s another pic from that day and one that was taken today:

   

Last year we bought Zoe a charm bracelet in honor of the day and we bought a little letter “z” charm for it.  Today we went back to the same store and bought a little heart charm that says “love” on the other side.  My parents and my sister,  Janice, gave Zoe cards, and my sister, Tracy, gave her a handmade treasure box and a copy of The Giving Tree (one of our childhood favorites.) 

We wanted to do something special today…we went to a festival that was happening nearby.  They had lots of music, kids and adults performing dance routines, crafters and vendors, and farm animals for the kids to see.  Zoe loved running up and down the street (it was closed to traffic for the day.) 

She really did have sunscreen on!  I know her poor little arms look so pink in that last shot.   After that we came home and Zoe went in her little pool in our backyard.  She had so much fun splashing the water everywhere.  I can’t wait to go to our local pool this year – she’s going to have so much fun. 

After swimming we headed up to the outdoor mall where we bought her the charm I mentioned, had dinner, and played on a playground that is at the mall.  She had so much fun running around with the other kids.  After that we headed home, and it was time for her to go to bed.

Neither of us can believe that a year has already gone by.  Every day we have seen her grow and change so much.  Today she opened the gift from her Aunt Tracy, and she said, “Oh, cool!”  That’s the first time she’s ever said that word before.  Too cute.  We’re just so very proud of her and so amazingly happy to be her parents.

Happy Adoption Day, Zoe!

Mother’s Day…remembering…

Mother’s Day, before Zoe came along, was really hard for me to handle.  All weekend long, no matter where we went, strangers would assume you were a mom and wish you a happy Mother’s Day.  It was  a reminder of what we really wanted – a family – and what we didn’t have yet.  I remember wishing that someone would acknowledge how I was feeling and say that they were sorry we were going through this and that they were there for me.  I know that not everyone who is dealing with infertility may feel like this, but I just wanted to say that for those of you who are dealing with it, I am sorry and I hope your journey to your child is a short one.  You ARE thought of on Mother’s Day.

This is also related to Mother’s Day…I heard really good news recently.  Not one but TWO friends are adopting!  I’m so happy and excited for both of them.  The first friend is my friend, B, and her husband J that I mentioned in my last post!!  So happy for them to be starting their classes soon.   They are going to be such great parents – they are so funny and just wonderful friends.  I can’t wait to hear about every step of their adoption.

Another friend of mine, Lostinspace, recently shared on her blog that they, too, are adopting!  She just wrote about it here:  Forgetting to Remember to Forget.  It’s been a long journey for them to this point, too, and how great is it that a new one is beginning?

Both friends are considering open adoption, which leads me to this…I wanted to end my post by saying how much I appreciate Zoe’s birthmom.  Z is the reason that we’re parents and the reason that I also get to celebrate being a mom.  Not a day goes by when I am not thankful for her decision.  Zoe is always going to know who she is and what she’s like – and Zoe will  have lots of love all around her.

It’s kind of funny how when you first get married and you’re thinking of having kids, you don’t think about all of the things that might happen or might not happen.  You (or at least I did) tend to assume things will be easy and you’ll become a parent on your own timeframe.  (I remember thinking about how I could plan when we got pregnant, so that I could have have my maternity leave from work and then the summer to stay home with our baby…that seems like ages ago!)    And of course, if you’re reading this, you know that didn’t happen that way for us.  And yet, I can’t imagine not having gone through what we went through because every bit of it led us to our daughter.  Her little laugh, her peek-a-boos, her dancing…I just can’t imagine our lives without all of those things. 

I hope that whatever journey or road you are on that it takes you to where you want it to go.  If you are a birthmom, I hope you have peace in your heart this Mother’s Day and know that you are remembered.  (Z – we love you so much, and are so glad we got to see you just a short time ago.)    If you are an adoptive mom or a waiting parent (whether through adoption or through trying to conceive), I hope that the process is quick and your little one finds you soon.

And Mom and Cheryl – I hope you both have a wonderful Mother’s Day, too.  I wouldn’t be who I am today if it weren’t for my mom and all of the things she taught me as I was growing up.  She’s full of love, patience, and kindness.  And I know Steve is who is because of everything his mom, Cheryl, did to raise him and help him become the wonderful man that he is.  You definitely taught him to work hard but take time to enjoy his family, too.  Thinking of you both and love you, too!

Open Adoption

After we finished our home study, we attended as many waiting family meetings as possible.  We really looked forward to them.  The meetings helped us learn more about adoption-related topics.  It was really great that our agency offered them.  We have always said that some of our favorite classes were the ones where birth parents and adoptive parents spoke about their experiences.  When we left the classes, we felt something we hadn’t felt in a long time…hope. 

We went to one of those meetings and the speakers were the birth mom and the adoptive parents of a little baby girl.  They brought their daughter, M, with them.  They told us how they did their home study and waited to be chosen by birth parents.  Six months later they were chosen and a short time after that, they brought their daughter home.  They have an open adoption with their daughter’s birth mom.

We were really interested to hear more about what an open adoption was like.  We had read about it and talked about it with our caseworker, and we were excited to hear more from people who were involved in an open adoption.  We felt that an open adoption was what we wanted our child to have with his/her birth parents, but we wanted to know more about it, too.

M’s birth mom talked about why she chose the couple to be her daughter’s adoptive parents.  She held M through most of the workshop.  You could really see how happy the three of them were with their relationship with each other.  They shared with all of us what the experience had been like – the harder parts and the wonderful parts. 

Any nervousness we felt at that time about an open adoption really eased at that meeting.  As we drove home, we talked about how we felt – We really felt that an open adoption was what we wanted to consider.  We also talked about how amazing it was that this couple was chosen after only 6 months of waiting (We had been told it could be up to 2 years or more.)  Plus they were able to have such a wonderful relationship with their child’s birth mom.  It was all so positive.

The thing with adoption is that it involves so many people and so many lives.   It involves so many relationships.   Not only the child, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents, but the grandparents, the birth grandparents, the siblings, the aunts and uncles, the birth aunts and uncles, etc.  And to have it all come together in such a positive way…well, that’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?  And for a child to have SO many people to love and care for him/her…that’s the best thing I can imagine.

I was really reminded of that quite a few times over the past week or so.  We went to another meeting at our agency this past Wednesday.  The topic was “Talking to Your Children About Adoption,” and the speaker was Cindy Champnella (Author of The Waiting Child).  She touched on a lot of areas related to the topic.  We discussed how it is important to share your child’s story with him her from the time that they are babies.  That way they will always know their story and their background.  Champnella said that it is important to share information with the child about his/her background but to do it at developmentally appropriate times.  She also talked about how children’s books about adoption are a great tool to start a dialogue with your child. 

I had just read Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis to Zoe a few nights before and I did just that – I read the story and talked with her about the night we found out that she was on the way.  I read the story with quite a few tears in my eyes because it was such a happy and exciting time for us, and I can only imagine what a difficult time it was for her birth mom. 

Champnella talked about how she wished that her daughters had an open adoption with their birth moms.  She wished that they had access to them to be able to ask them questions or just to talk.  That really reminded us of how lucky we are to have the relationship that we have with Zoe’s birth mom and her family.  They spent Sunday afternoon with us at our home, and we are so happy that they got to see how much Zoe has grown since Christmas (the last time they had visited.)  We were able to learn a lot about similarities between Zoe and her birth mom…things that Zoe does now and her birth mom did when she was a toddler, too.  Everyone played with her, and she had so much fun with them. 

I know she doesn’t understand who they are yet, but she will.  She understands more and more.  Yesterday she was pointing to pictures of everyone who was here, and I was naming them for her.   We’re so happy that she has this connection to her birth family.  And especially that she’ll know how much they love her.

Very good friends of ours, J and B,  have talked with us about what it’s like to have an open adoption.  They are in the early stages of adoption right now.  Someday (hopefully someday soon!) they are going to be wonderful parents.  My friend, B, said that she has a picture of Zoe on her mantel, and that her husband, J, referred to Zoe as “our little hope.”  I love that…I love that our situation, our relationship with Zoe’s birth mom, our adoption…can bring hope to another adoptive couple. 

It just all goes back to that feeling we had when we left those waiting family meetings…that having a family was a definite possibility for us and having an open adoption was the best choice for us.  And that having a little hope can make all the difference in the world when you are going through it all.