Sunday, December 13, 2009

Don't worry...

Yes, somebody said that to me just a couple of days ago. "Don't worry...it will be just like she's your daughter." I was at a party, and it was said to me by a stranger who had just learned that we are in the process of adopting Zoe. I had shown him a picture of her and explained that we were new parents. His first question was, "Well, where is she from?" Meaning he assumed that we had adopted internationally. I explained that she was born right here in our state. Then he made the daughter comment. I assured him that she is most definitely our daughter. I honestly don't think he meant any harm by the comment; I think it was just what popped out of his mouth at the time. But it has bugged me ever since he said it.

Zoe has two mothers...the mother who gave birth to her and chose to place her for adoption with us. The mother who made a huge decision that affected not only her future, but Zoe's and ours. The mother who cares about her, loves her, asks about her and will spend time with her.

And she has me...the mother who thanks God every single day for Zoe. The mother who is so grateful to Z for choosing adoption. The mother who gets up in the middle of the night to feed Zoe or calm her crying. The mother whose day is made when I see her little eyes light up, and I hear her little giggles.

"It will be just like she's your daughter."

She felt like my daughter the moment I saw her. How could I adequately explain that moment to a stranger I had just met? The moment she was in that tiny crib in the hospital nursery with her tiny purple knitted hat on her head. The moment I held her. The moment I saw Steve hold her. There was never any doubt about how we felt; we just hoped that she would be able to come home with us and stay with us.

Every day that she has been with us, we get to see all of the new or funny things that she learns how to do. As I type this, Zoe is tryng to sit up on my lap. She is so determined. Yes, she's not even 3 months old, and she's trying to sit up! She's been doing that since the beginning of the month. It's so exciting to see all of her little firsts. And she's so funny. She'll stick her tongue out at us and wait for us to do it back to her. And sometimes she makes this little noise to get our attention; like "hey, you need to look at me." It's very cute, Yes, we are very proud parents, that's for sure.

I think Zoe has the best of both worlds. She has 2 families - her birth family and her adoptive family - who love her so much.

19 comments:

Sandy said...

She IS your daughter. In every possible way. You are the center of her world, and what she learns about life and love she will learn from you.

JC said...

Wow, the things people say.
I'm glad you handled yourself well and it didn't upset you more in that moment. She IS your daughter.

michelle said...

I think you are probably right, he didn't mean any harm by it....and you writing in this post was beautiful....Zoe is very lucky to have so many people in her life loving her!!!!

Blessed said...

That is so true and is so hard when people specially when you know they didnt really mean what they said its more just not knowing...butits still hard people always ask where is she from I say California..and there surprised...crazy but i guess when you've never been through adoption you don't know...

you handled it wonderfully! i know how much it can linger and bug you though!

Jenn said...

She IS your daughter! I find someone I want to slap on a daily basis.

LL said...

That sentence is obviously someone who doesn't understand adoption, doesn't "get it." The person probably actually thought he was saying something that was positive. YOu gave a great answer. One day, hopefully more will understand it better too.

kalibug said...

People just dont think (ignorance, they just are not educated about adoption; it is all from the media). It still amazes me that my daughter will be four this week, and I still hear...oh, maybe you will have one of your own one day. Or ... you will get pregnant, I just know it, you adopted and once you adopt, you get pregnant. Crazy.

E said...

I think that some people feel the need to say "something" in an effort to be supportive, but often end up saying something stupid. I can imagine that I would still be bothered by that statement too. You know that she is your daughter, but it stinks to know that people who don't get it think that way....that's it's second best or whatever the statement may imply. Funny that some think that adoption is international only. That guy really was clueless. Glad you had to opportunity to educate...sounds like you handled it well.

Rebekah said...

Amen! Amen! Amen! People can say really ridiculous things, but I'm glad you didn't get offended. Sometimes, I think the adoption community is far too sensitive. People that say dumb things are usually just uneducated!

You know the truth :).

Lost in Space said...

She most definitely is your daughter, Wendy! I think people try hard to say things they perceive as positive, but mostly they are just clueless. Good for you for letting him know!

Leah said...

I'm sorry Wendy. And I think you're right. . . This person meant no harm, but it's still not an excuse. You are Zoe's Mom, and you wouldn't be more of a Mom if you had birthed her. She is truly, most definitely your baby girl. And I think you're right. . . Zoe does have the best of both worlds. :-D

Anonymous said...

I think you actually nailed it already and the next time someone makes that kind of well-intended comment, you could say:

"She felt like my daughter the moment I saw her."

Maddie said...

I know that comment would bother me too! When I tell people we are starting the adoption process and will be filing our formal application in January, I am asked/told a few things that really make me angry. The first is "well you know that you're gonna pregnant now" -- because that happens all the time. And the second is "Why aren't you still doing IVF?" -- ummm because we don't want to pay money for a "chance" and why is it any of your business. I typically respond that I truly believe adoption is a gift, a gift for everyone involved at a life they wouldn't have had otherwise. That shuts them up.

Michele said...

Why wouldn't Z be up for seeing her mother? She's a baby right? Why would seeing her mother harm her?

Wendy said...

Michele...Z is my daughter's birthmother. We call her Z out of privacy. It's up to her (her birthmom) to decide if she would like to visit us or not. We're open to it - we have an open adoption agreement - so if we all get together it will be when Zoe's birthmom is ready for it emotionally. It wouldn't harm Zoe to visit with her birthmother; quite the opposite. We hope that we can have contact and a good relationship throughout Zoe's whole life.

Me said...

This is the third blog I have read this morning. And this is the third time I have made this exact same comment: "I hate people". WTF is WRONG with people that they say these douchetastic things?

Christi said...

a lucky little girl to have you!

Anonymous said...

You mentioned your daughter was adopted internationally.

Which country is she from?

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for saying this. I am an adoptee and my parents have said many times I love you as if you were my own. I know they don't understand why that breaks my heart to hear them say that, as of course they never say that about my brother who is their bio son. It makes me so happy for your little girl.