Adoption Application

Steve and I spent a lot of time working on our application yesterday. We are almost done. We still need to find some info on our health/life insurance. I also need to draw a floorplan of our house (or find one from when we bought our house.) Then we will copy everything and send it on its way.

We have two books to read -- Dear Birthmother and Adopting After Infertility. I started D.B. and Steve started A.A.I. So far so good. Both books are required reading for the domestic program.

We are taking tomorrow off to work on organizing things around our house. Of course, we probably don't need everything to be done, but we'll feel better by doing it. I am going to try to organize the laundry room and the computer/guest room. If it doesn't rain, he is going to work outside in the yard.

We aren't really sure what we'll need to do for our actual home study, but it feels good to be productive.

Today we went to a cider mill and apple orchard with my sisters. We wanted to take some pictures and we thought it might be a good place. (Plus I LOVE cider mills...it reminds me of being little!) We are hoping that one of the pictures could be used for our profile. The agency puts a picture of the adopting parents on the cover of your profile. Then you write little captions for the other pictures inside your profile.

Today's Consult

We had our consult today at the adoption agency. It went really well. Of course we were both so nervous. I know I barely slept last night. I kept having these crazy dreams, and then I would wake myself up from them. I do that when I'm anxious.

We met the director of domestic adoption. She was really nice and made us feel very comfortable. She told us the history of the agency and then told us about the adoption process. She said the average adoption (domestic) takes 12-24 months with their agency. The birthmothers choose you and then you are matched. They have about 90 waiting families right now. They place about 100 babies per year.

So now it's up to us to take the next step. We need to fill out the big formal application and mail it in with a check. Then we would go to a domestic adoption meeting either in October or November. After that we would move on with the Home Study.

We both left there feeling really positive and a bit overwhelmed. I'm glad it went so well.

Our first appointment

The agency called us yesterday and left a message. I called them back today and set up an appointment for a consult. It's next Tuesday!

What questions should we ask?

I have lots of adoption books here at home. I'm going to start going through them tonight. (I've been reading mostly memoir-style books about adoption, but I'll pull out the informational books, too.)

When I made the call I was so nervous! I had butterflies in my stomach! This is such a big exciting step for us.

Our Next Step

Steve and I spent the last two weeks talking about what we wanted to do next. We looked at all of the paperwork that we had from the adoption agency that we liked. We talked about whether we should go forward with international adoption or domestic adoption. We decided that we are going to pursue domestic adoption - We are hoping that we will be able to adopt an newborn infant, so domestic looks like the way to go. We decided to send the form in now, especially since it will probably take a while before we have our consultation appointment set up.

I dropped the form in the mailbox today!

I have to say - it's a good feeling. A really good feeling. For the first time in a very long long time, I feel hopeful that this will lead us to a child.

Our Follow-Up with Dr. K.

We had our follow-up appointment with Dr. K. after work today.

I expected to go in and have her say that we could try another round with different medications or even higher amounts. She didn't.

She said she recommended that we either use donor eggs or that we adopt. My eggs were not good. She reviewed all three of our IVFs with us. She pointed out how during IVF 2 and 3, all of my eggs were fragmented. Some had darker areas on them, too. (That means they are older - either older in general, or that they were in the follicle too long before they could be retrieved.) The higher levels of medication (which she said were the highest she would put me on) didn't help with better eggs.

She recommended that we take a break, and if we are leaning more toward adoption, then that's what we should do. I told her that I would be worried to take such a gamble on donor eggs -- what if I actually have implantation issues as well as egg quality issues? I told her I just can't go through all of this heartbreak again.

She said that she knows we'll be parents someday, and that she hopes that if we decide to adopt, that we bring our baby in for a visit.

I could barely say thank you to her. I was crying so much it was hard to get the words out. We just feel so sad. I think part of me is a little relieved at this point, too, though. We made a decision and we're moving forward.

4 Days After...

It's been four days since we found out the our 3rd IVF did not work. Coincidently, the day we found out was also my first day of school. In some ways, it was a good thing - I was able to see my students and keep busy with getting my classroom together. In other ways - it was so hard.

Very few people at my work know we did a 2nd and a 3rd IVF. One of the people that does know told me that I shouldn't lose hope - that we could adopt and then get pregnant. I tried to explain to her how that only about 6% of couples who adopt go on to have a biological child. Most importantly, though, is that we aren't going to adopt in the hopes of the adoption helping us to get pregnant. We will adopt because we want to become parents.

Steve told me he feels confused -- why didn't this work for us? I just feel such a sense of loss.

Our test was negative today. I just feel numb and can't quite believe that it didn't work again.

This is a picture of us in a sculpture garden in Saugatuck, MI. I think Steve blinked just as the picture was taken.

We went away this past weekend for a couple days. My birthday was yesterday, and I have been feeling so down lately. I didn't want to be home for my b-day. I guess I didn't feel up for much celebrating. So I had asked Steve if we could go somewhere overnight. He booked one night at a hotel not too far from Saugatuck, MI. I ended up adding on an additional night this past week. It worked out well.

I didn't forget our stresses, but it was nice to have something to distract myself a bit.

I go in tomorrow morning for our beta. I'm going to try to get there at 6:30am, so I can be one of the first patients seen. Tomorrow is also my first day back to school -- perfect timing,huh? Nothing like stress upon more stress!

We're going to have them call our house phone with the news. If it's bad news, I don't want to get it and then have to finish working the rest of the day. If it's good news, then we will find out together.

I wish all of this didn't have to be so hard.