A Visit to the Fertility Clinic

Today Zoe and I drove over to visit the staff at the fertility clinic that Steve and I went to - I had kept in touch with a counselor who is on staff there. She was really wonderful and helped me get through the grief I felt when our last IVF hadn't worked. She had stayed in touch afterwards to see how I was doing.

When I sent out announcements for Zoe, I made sure to send one to the counselor as well as our R.E. and her staff. The counselor called me to catch up and since we've been playing phone tag, I decided to stop by the office. We stopped in and were able to go inside by the reception desk (but out of the actual waiting area.) I didn't want to be in the waiting area and upset anyone by bringing in a baby...I remember how hard that was for me when I would wait in the waiting room and someone would come in with a stroller or a carseat. The sounds of a baby crying or cooing as I was waiting to have a pregnancy test done (or some other form of treatment) were just too much for me emotionally.

The staff was so excited to meet her! They asked all about her adoption and how things happened. We talked for a bit. Then I got to really sit down and talk with the counselor I mentioned above. She's wonderful - she is so excited for us and asked a bunch of questions. She is working with someone else considering adoption, so I was able to give her some information for that person as well.

Our R.E. was able to visit for a few minutes, too. She actually had tears in her eyes. Zoe had been asleep for everyone else, but she woke up when Dr. K walked in the room. Zoe just smiled and batted her eyelashes at her. It was really sweet.

It was one of those full-circle kind of moments, you know? Back after our IVF hadn't worked, I dropped off a box of unused medications. I wanted to donate them to someone else who could use them instead of us. I felt like it gave me a little bit of closure, particularly as I drove away after donating them. Not sure if that makes sense, but for me, it seemed to help. Going back today was such a celebration and such a feeling of a new beginning...it just made everything feel full-circle.

Don't worry...

Yes, somebody said that to me just a couple of days ago. "Don't worry...it will be just like she's your daughter." I was at a party, and it was said to me by a stranger who had just learned that we are in the process of adopting Zoe. I had shown him a picture of her and explained that we were new parents. His first question was, "Well, where is she from?" Meaning he assumed that we had adopted internationally. I explained that she was born right here in our state. Then he made the daughter comment. I assured him that she is most definitely our daughter. I honestly don't think he meant any harm by the comment; I think it was just what popped out of his mouth at the time. But it has bugged me ever since he said it.

Zoe has two mothers...the mother who gave birth to her and chose to place her for adoption with us. The mother who made a huge decision that affected not only her future, but Zoe's and ours. The mother who cares about her, loves her, asks about her and will spend time with her.

And she has me...the mother who thanks God every single day for Zoe. The mother who is so grateful to Z for choosing adoption. The mother who gets up in the middle of the night to feed Zoe or calm her crying. The mother whose day is made when I see her little eyes light up, and I hear her little giggles.

"It will be just like she's your daughter."

She felt like my daughter the moment I saw her. How could I adequately explain that moment to a stranger I had just met? The moment she was in that tiny crib in the hospital nursery with her tiny purple knitted hat on her head. The moment I held her. The moment I saw Steve hold her. There was never any doubt about how we felt; we just hoped that she would be able to come home with us and stay with us.

Every day that she has been with us, we get to see all of the new or funny things that she learns how to do. As I type this, Zoe is tryng to sit up on my lap. She is so determined. Yes, she's not even 3 months old, and she's trying to sit up! She's been doing that since the beginning of the month. It's so exciting to see all of her little firsts. And she's so funny. She'll stick her tongue out at us and wait for us to do it back to her. And sometimes she makes this little noise to get our attention; like "hey, you need to look at me." It's very cute, Yes, we are very proud parents, that's for sure.

I think Zoe has the best of both worlds. She has 2 families - her birth family and her adoptive family - who love her so much.

Brr!!!! It's getting cold here!

As of yesterday, it really feels like winter here. I know it's December, and we've been really fortunate to have the warmer weather up until now. But I was really enjoying the warmer temps. Oh well.

Things have been pretty busy. We had Thanksgiving not too long ago. We spent the afternoon and evening at my cousin's house and had a good time. My pictures from that day are still on my camera...I'll try to post one when I can. That Sunday my family threw us a baby shower. It was really nice - so many people were able to come and meet Zoe. My mom and my sisters put framed pictures of her on the tables as centerpieces and attached balloons. They gave out little favors of silver heart Christmas ornaments. We had a really fun (and sometimes emotional) afternoon with everyone and it meant a lot to me. Everyone there knew that it had been quite a long journey for us to start our family.

I talked to Z, Zoe's birthmother, that night. I had called her and left a message right before Thanksgiving. She wanted to call us back and say hello. She sounds like she's doing well. It was good to hear her voice and talk to her. I told her I'm getting some pictures together to send to her soon.

During the week we went on Zoe's first field trip! Well, we sort of tagged along on a field trip that students at my school were taking. They were going to Toys R Us to buy a toy for students in another class. They had to read the list, pick out the gift, and purchase it on their own. It was fun to see them so excited. We followed them over to the mall afterwards and watched as they found their way around the mall and talked with Santa to tell him what they hoped to get for Christmas. The whole trip was about life skills - what to do in a store, how to find things, how to order things (like lunch), and how to pay for things in a store. Zoe did great! (We saw Santa but she didn't actually sit on his lap. I'm a little paranoid about H1N1, so we decided to skip Santa for this year. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I figure she can go when she's older and understands more.)

To round out the busy last couple of weeks we went and got a Christmas tree today. It looks really nice. It's a bit bigger than we had planned, but that's okay. Steve put the lights on it and now it's waiting for decorations (that's my job.) I'll probably start it tonight.

Zoe has been pretty busy herself...
She had been sleeping 5 hours a night, which the doctor said is considered "sleeping through the night" for a 2 month old. She actually slept 7 hours after our field trip on Thursday and 6 hours last night! We were pretty excited. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel somewhat rested!

She also started trying to sit up when we hold her. She can arch her back and start to push herself up into a sitting position. She doesn't stay up without our help, but it's pretty impressive, either way!

And today we heard her laugh for the first time! She gets excited all the time but when I tickled her today, we heard a tiny giggle. Then when I sneezed a little while later, she giggled again. Too cute!

Well, I guess that's pretty much everything. Tomorrow I'm going to a pottery show with my mom and my sisters. I'm pretty excited - it's one of favorite places to go every December. Then my sisters are going to babysit while Steve and I have a date night (or maybe a date afternoon!) It will be nice to hang out with him. I think it's the first time that we'll have gone out just the two of since Zoe came home in September.

Hope everyone is having a good (and warm) weekend!

Almost 8 weeks old

I'm not sure what was so funny, but Zoe was really happy this day!





I can't believe I haven't updated since late October. Well, I guess I can believe it. Things have been busy around here. We celebrated Halloween and Zoe rocked a mohawk. Well, not really -- I just washed her hair and it dried like that. Really! It was definitely festive!

We had a whirlwind weekend visit from Steve's brother, his wife, and our nephew. It was wonderful to see them, and they got to meet Zoe for the first time. It was very cool to see our children together.

I spent some not-so-fun time at the dentist this week. I needed to have a tooth prepped for a crown. I have had really horrible experiences at the dentist in the past (anesthesia not working, incredible pain with drilling, etc.) so even though I love my dentist, I was pretty tense about it. So far, I think it went okay. My jaw and gum are pretty sore, but I think that's to be expected. Hopefully it will be better in a couple days. I have to go back in early December for the actual permanent crown to be put on.

We had a call from Z, Zoe's birthmother, last week. It was SO nice to get to talk to her. She had received the photos and letter we sent at the 6 week mark and just wanted to let us know she got them. She wasn't able to email, so she called. We had a great talk - we were on the phone for almost an hour. She sounds like she's doing well and was happy to hear about how Zoe is doing, too. I'm so glad we got to talk.

This past week I also had my work baby shower. It was so nice of my coworkers to throw one. They were very generous. I took Zoe with me, and she was quite the social butterfly. Well, that is, until she fell asleep after her bottle! But that's okay. She was happy. My family is throwing a shower at the end of the month. We're looking forward to that get together, too.

Zoe is playing with her Brenda doll on her playmat. (My friend, Brenda, sent it to her, so she is now named after her.) She loves it!


Overall things are going well. Zoe is starting to sleep about 3 hours at a time at night. Sometimes a little longer. She's had a couple nights where she managed 4 hours in a row before she got hungry. I'm not sure who's more tired in this picture!She's been really active and has managed to hold her head up for a pretty long time when we're holding her. She can also do it for a little bit when she's on her stomach. It looks like she's doing baby push-ups. She's cooing and making sounds and loves to smile if you smile at her. She's such a sweetie. Oh, and you probably won't believe me, but she gave me a high five a few times. Steve saw it, so he'll back me up!

I'm really happy. We're both really happy. I can hear Steve talking to Zoe out in the living room right now, and I can hear how happy he is in his voice. It's definitely hard work to take care of a baby, but she is worth every second. And when she smiles, your heart just melts. I know I sound very mushy, but it's true. I said to my sister, Tracy, just the other day, I can't imagine our life without her. I just can't. I'm so glad that the path we were on led us to her.

Thanks for reading Our Story

I can't believe that 5 weeks have already gone by since we brought Zoe home from the hospital. Wow. We're doing pretty well. Steve and I take turns getting up with her through the night. That's the hardest thing, I think. The getting up throughout the night part. I don't mind doing it; it's just hard when you've never been on that type of schedule (or lack of a schedule) before. But we're a good team, and it's been pretty good. Usually Steve would be up with her right now, but I wasn't feeling too tired, so he decided to go to bed early. He'll get up with her the next time - maybe 3 or 4 a.m.

This isn't related to getting up throughout the night or lack of sleep, but I wanted to say...

I feel really lucky to have 'met' so many wonderful and supportive people online. I have a great family and wonderful friends who have been there for us. It's been nice to know that I have an online community of friends as well. Seeing your comments and seeing that you check in on us really means a lot to me. I just want you all to know that writing this blog and having others read what I write really helps. It helped me share the hard times back when we were going through them, and it helped me share the hope I felt once again with adopting. Now it helps me share the joy I see when I see our daughter. It also helps me remember what it took for us to get here and to never take anything for granted.

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I have been a little slow with uploading some of my pictures, due to technical difficulties! This was a picture of us on October 16th over at my sister's house.

And finally, the polar bear herself! She managed to sleep through the entire cider mill, pumpkin patch, and Zoo Boo experience! She was very brave in the haunted reptile house and the amphibian fun house. Very brave.

More pictures of Zoe

Thank you so much for all of the wonderful comments on the last post! Here are some more pictures from our first few days at home...

Zoe's Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) meeting her for the first time!


Zoe's MomMom (Steve's mom) meeting her for the first time!


Aunt Janice(my sister)


Aunt Tracy (my sister)


Big eyes!


Big yawn...


So serious...


Looking at toys


Sticking out her tongue!

Pictures of our Daughter, Zoe

Today is our anniversary. October 16th was the day that I married my husband, Steve, 10 years ago. We both love the fall so much, we decided that a fall wedding would be perfect. We happened to pick Sweetest Day, too, which was kind of funny - Sweetest Day isn't celebrated everywhere; I think it's more just in this part of the country. Our out-of-state relatives thought it was very funny. We heard many jokes about how "sweet" we are!

I cannot imagine my life without Steve. He is just the best guy. He makes me laugh, even if I've had the worst day. He makes me feel special. He remembers the little things that I like -- gerber daisies, candy corn, and goofy cards. He helps me with things around the house -- he helps make it "our" home in many ways. He's protective, he's strong, and he has a kind heart. Most of all, he has loved me and been there for me through everything we've been through over the past 10 years (plus 6 and a half years of dating.) College, moving, new jobs, job loss, infertility, sadness, joy, celebrations...he's been by my side through all of it. He is my love.

In addition to us celebrating the "birth" of our marriage, we are also celebrating Zoe's birth -- she is one month old today! Can you believe it? We certainly can't! How fast a whole month has flown by! She is everything to us -- we have a daughter -- I can't believe that we get to say that! We have a daughter! Our little girl has already brought us such joy and happiness in such a short amount of time. We just love every minute we have with her.

Besides it being our anniversary, Sweetest Day weekend, and the one month celebration of Zoe's birth, today is also that day that Z is signing her TPR (termination of parental rights) paperwork in court. In our state, the birthmother goes to court to sign paperwork 2-8 weeks after the birth of the baby. During those weeks, the birthparents can decide to parent their child if they choose.

Z wanted Zoe to come home with us in temporary placement. That means that instead of going into host care (with another family) while Z was waiting for her court date, Z wanted the baby to leave the hospital with us. Of course, we were so happy that she made that decision.

It's a bittersweet day -- we are so happy for our family, but we feel such a sadness for the loss Z may be feeling. I can't begin to imagine how difficult today will probably be for Z and her family. I hope that we have shown her that we will keep our promise of staying connected through letters, pictures, and visits. We have emailed each other almost every day, and we have already sent many pictures back and forth. We are looking forward to the day that Z decides she wants to visit or wants us to visit. We have a picture of her and her family in Zoe's room. I already talk about Z with Zoe -- it's good practice for when she's older and understands what I'm saying!

We wanted to wait until today to post pictures of Zoe. I can't help but get teary-eyed when I see these photos of Zoe at the hospital. It was just a couple of weeks ago, but in some ways, it feels like such a long time. I don't think I have the right words to express what it was like to meet our daughter for the first time. I really don't.

Updates on Zoe

When we brought Zoe home, she was so itty bitty. She was down to 6 lbs., 4 oz. when we left the hospital. She was back up to 6 lbs., 12 oz by the time our Tuesday doctor appointment had rolled around. We don't have another appointment until next month, so I don't know her exact weight right now. What I do know is that she has definitely gained weight and length! When I pick her up she's still light, but she's definitely heavier than she was just a couple weeks ago. She's also a lot longer, and she likes to stretch out. She can still wear a couple of her newborn things, but she's pretty much ready to move into 0-3 months.

Zoe is sleeping pretty well at night. She will go for 3 or 4 hours and then wake up very hungry or wet. As it gets closer to morning she tends to be hungrier sooner. We've been taking turns getting up with her. Steve's more of a night owl so he takes the first feeding usually and then I'll get up the other times.

She likes to be on her stomach for "tummy time". The nurses said to put her on a blanket on her stomach a few times a day for a few minutes. She loves it. She is able to turn her head back and forth while she's on her stomach without much effort. She is so alert, too -- a friend of mine gave us a playmat for her to lay on. It has these little flowers that light up and play music - as soon as she hears it or sees the lights, she starts moving even more. She likes to pull on the little monkey and giraffe that hang down from the arches over the playmat, too. It's so cute. She had the tightest grip ever on the monkey's tail last night.

When I hold her on my chest with her head under mine, she tries to pick her head up so she can see me better. She's so so strong for such a little lady!

She loves to grasp my pinky while she's drinking her bottle. She loves to relax with Steve while he's sitting in his chair.

She's up to 3-4 oz. of formula at a time right now. She's doing well with it. Not much spitting up at all. She's a really good eater.

She likes to make noise - she makes little squeaks and little grunts all the time. It's very cute. She's really easygoing; she cries when she's hungry or wet, but that's about it.

I think she's starting to really smile a little bit here and there. We've caught little smiles when she's dreaming, but this week I've seen more and more when she's awake. It's so sweet.

We are so happy. We look at her, and we just can't believe how happy we are.

Zoe's Birth Story

I got home from work on September 15th and checked the messages on the phone. There was one from Z's caseworker - she said that Z was in the hospital. I didn't get the call until almost 5pm, and by that time the caseworker had left for the day. She had said on the message that she would get back to us when she had more information. I called Steve at work to let him know. I remember my mind was going a mile a minute. Somehow I managed to call our parents, siblings, and some friends. I called my substitute and my boss, too. Once Steve was home, we were in a whirlwind! Both of us just felt like we needed to keep busy until we got the next call. We managed to finish packing, clean up the rest of the house, return some messages, and make a dinner to freeze. Finally around midnight or 1 a.m., we decided to try to sleep. We hadn't heard anymore at that point.

On Wednesday, September 16th, we both got up at our normal times. Steve went into work just to tie up some loose ends. I tried calling the agency again, but it was too early. A little before 9 a.m., Z's caseworker called and said congratulations. Z had had a baby girl! I can't remember everything I said; I know I was crying. I asked how Z was doing. I asked what we should do next. We were told that we needed to be at the hospital at 1 p.m. so that we could visit with the baby and with Z.

Steve got home from work. We left the house at 11 a.m. We stopped and picked up a bouquet of flowers for Z. We started our two our drive to the hospital. We found it pretty easily and made our way (very nervously) to the nursery. We checked in at the nurse's station and they gave us a wristband. We were told that Z wanted us to spend some time with the baby and then we would hopefully see her that afternoon.

Seeing Zoe for the first time was amazing. The hospital staff allowed us to visit with her in a room that was inside the nursery. One of the nurses wheeled her over in her little bassinett. She was swaddled in a couple blankets and had a purple knitted cap on her head. It was probably twice the size of her head but looked too cute. She was so tiny - 6 lbs., 8 ounces. She was 21 inches long. The nurse pulled out her little hands to show them to us. She has such long, thin fingers. She pulled our her little feet - which are actually kind of big for such a tiny baby! But still so so cute. We wrapped her back up and just looked at her. The nurse said we could hold her. So I sat in a rocking chair was able to hold her for the very first time.

The whole experience was surreal. Surreal in this crazy, unbelievably good way. Steve held her for the first time and my heart just melted. He's so wonderful with her. He got to feed her her first bottle. She was so tiny I don't think she even drank 1/2 an ounce.

We spent about 2 hours with her, just holding her, looking at her, being with her. Her birthmother, Z, asked to see her, so the nurse came and wheeled her down to her room. We stayed there because Z's caseworker was on her way to meet with us. We also met with the hospital's social worker and a pediatrician on staff. Z asked her caseworker to send us down to her room for about 15 minutes.

We gathered up our things and the gifts we had for Z. We walked down the hallway to her room. When we got there she was holding Zoe in her arms and feeding her. We went in and sat down with her. We only had a few minutes. I tried to say thank you through all of my tears. Thank you for the time she gave us over the summer. Thank for letting us get to know her and her family. Thank you for letting us have time with the baby at the hospital. It was very hard to say everything we wanted to say. I explained about our gifts that we had brought for her. Z gave us a gift from her mom, Zoe's birth grandmother. It's a beautiful sleeper and blanket. So pretty and soft. Just perfect. As we left, we hugged Z and said we would keep in touch just like we've all agreed. We walked out of her room, around the corner, and bumped into Z's mom. We hugged her tight and talked some more with her. I can't say enough how lucky we are to know Z and her family.

We left the hospital and got some dinner. We made arrangements to stay at a local hotel.

In the morning, we headed back over to the hospital to be there for 9:30 a.m. We were allowed to wait in the nursery, though, and they brought Zoe to us. We were able to get her dressed in her coming home outfit. She is so tiny - she really could have worn a preemie outfit home! Z's caseworker met with us and had us sign some paperwork that would allow Zoe to come home with us. After that we bundled her up and got her in her little carseat. She looks so tiny in it! We walked down to the parking lot with one of the nurses and the caseworker. We put her in the back of my car, and drove over the agency's other office. We had them sign some health insurance forms for us and then we were on our way.

We were driving home with our baby!

She slept the whole way. We got to our house and had a few minutes to settle in before my parents arrived. What a wonderful feeling...to be home with our daughter.

Sleepyhead

Zoe is sleeping next to me, so I thought I would try to write a quick post. The days seem to pass so much faster right now. We're so busy with Zoe - she eats about every 2 hours. She's up to 2 and a 1/2 ounces each feeding. She really likes to eat - she doesn't even want you to stop to burp her or to catch her breath. She sleeps anywhere from 2 hours to 4 hours (usually between 2 and 3, though.) She seems to be more awake at night; we have saying she's nocturnal!

She likes to lay on her quilts, both on her back and on her stomach for 'tummy time.' She moves around a lot - she kicks her legs quite a bit and is always stretching.

She's a really sweet baby - very laid back and really only gets fussy when she's hungry (or wet.) That's it. I keep trying to get a picture of her smiling, but so far I haven't had much luck. She's too fast for me!

Steve's mom came to visit us this past weekend, so that kept us busy. My parents and sisters have been over, too. We've had visits from our cousins and some friends. It's been really nice. Another cousin of mine is visiting tonight, too.

I've been emailing with Z, Zoe's birthmom, and it's been good to hear from her. Her caseworker called us on Friday and said that the court has the paperwork; we are just waiting for an actual court date.

So, that's pretty much everything. We're trying to get into a bit of a routine. I'm also working on a journal for Zoe; I'm writing about what it was like to be at the hospital and see her after she was born. I'm writing about bringing her home and what that's been like. I'll use it to write down the things she does as she grows, too.