We are heading towards IVF

Well... let me back up a bit. On Tuesday night, we went to an information meeting about adoption. It was with the same agency that we had spoken with before. This meeting was about international and domestic adoption. They gave us a lot of great information. We got to meet 2 families who used the agency for adoption, too.

On Thursday, we had our IVF consult. It went really well. We came home with so much information - our heads were spinning! We'll be doing IVF at the very end of February. This is basically what my protocol will be:

• CD3 Bloodwork and start BCP in January. (Minimum of 2 weeks on them, but up to 6-8 weeks.)
• Trial Transfer and saline sonohystogram - ? not sure when
• Lupron shots in my thigh or stomach - this suppresses your ovaries. (For 10 days by itself.)
• Bravelle/Menopur shots in my thigh/stomach - these stimulate your ovaries (For 10-12 days) and continute Lupron shots at 1/2 the dosage.
• Lots of ultrasounds and bloodwork throughout cycle.
• Ovidrel - 2 shots 36 hours prior to Egg Retrieval.
• More bloodwork.
• Egg Retrieval done under IV sedation.
• Start Progesterone injections in hip every other day and Endomtrin suppositories 3x/day on the off days.
• Egg Transfer 3-5 days later done with valium or IV sedation.
• Estrogen patch along with the progesterone/endometrin.
• Blood pregnancy test.

It's a lot. But we're really excited. And nervous. And scared. But really excited!

We had a bottle of champagne here, so last night we toasted to "2008: The Year of the Baby!" (See, we're being positive!)

Waiting for Cycle 19

I know cycle 19 is just around the corner. I am starting to not feel well, so I know it's only a matter of a few hours.

I'm tired of the waiting. I was hopeful that maybe this cycle, just maybe, it would work out and it would happen for us. Then we wouldn't have to go through IVF. Now I just want to hurry up and have the IVF cycle get here. It's this limbo part that I can't stand. I feel like I'm sitting back doing nothing, you know?

I've been pretty down. I'm feeling lonely, too. I just wish someone would ask how I'm doing with it all without me having to be the one to bring it up. I feel like everyone is probably sick of hearing me talk about it, so I've tried to stop. But I end up keeping it all inside and feeling bad like I do now.

I wish I could go away for a few days. Maybe take a mini vacation. I know the holidays are around the corner, but I have a feeling they won't be very restful.

Saving $$$

I don't really have a lot to post about right now. We have told some of our family that we are moving onto IVF. It definitely makes it feel more real! We've started saving - we are actually competing with each other to see how much we can save! I know - pretty corny - but if it gets us to our goal, that's great, right?

I made Christmas ornaments and I'm selling them at craft shows. I may ask if I can sell them at work, too. I'm going to try to sell some things on Ebay, too. That may help bring in a couple hundred of dollars. It's so hard trying to save money right before Christmas.

We're probably going to another adoption meeting this week. We'll get to meet people who have adopted from other countries. Next month this particular agency, is having a meeting about domestic adoption, too.

IVF...Here We Come!!!

Well, we met with my RE tonight. She was great. She looked over Steve's results from the urologist and spoke with us about them. We also talked about how I've done 4 IUIs. I've tried Clomid (which worked well at producing follicles, but made me feel lousy) and Letrazole/Femara (which I felt okay on, but didn't help me with having a better ovulation.)

She said we could try an IUI with 1/2 Clomid and 1/2 injectables, but she really recommends InVitro with ICSI. My husband and I decided that we are going to save up for the IVF. After doing 4 unsuccessful IUIs already, I am hesitant to do another one. My doctor also said that because I responded so well to the Clomid, I could end up producing too many follicles on the Clomid/injectables. She said she definitely wouldn't do all injects with me; I would probably have to cancel the cycle because of overproducing follicles. Anyway, she suggests that we wait until we have DH's insurance and then proceed to IVF.

I am relieved to have a plan of action. She was so great - she suggested taking some time over the next couple of months to just be with each other - to hang out, go to dinner, spend time together....it was really nice to hear her say that. She wasn't saying that it would solve our fertility issue; she was just saying that it can be therapeutic, too. I'm so happy to know what direction we're going. (Nervous, too, but still happy.)

Lots of things to think about

Steve saw a urologist on the 16th and had a prostate ultrasound done. The doctor suspects that some of the issues we are dealing with developed after medical procedures that were done when he was about 4 years old. He does think that we will be able to get pregnant, but only with the help of an RE (reproductive endocrinologist.)

We are going back to talk to my RE. I'm not sure if we should try one more IUI with injectables or just move onto IVF. The urologist wouldn't give us an opinion on the IUI but did say he thought we should look into IVF with ICSI.

We're both doing okay today, but I had a really hard time dealing with things this past weekend.

DH and I are actually going to go to an adoption question/answer meeting this week. I'm looking forward to it. I'm hoping to get some information so I'll feel a bit more informed if we decide that's the route we want to take.

We're onto Cycle #17.

Cycle #16...Cycle Day 29.

My cycles range from 23 days to 28 days. They average 26. So here I am on day 29, with only negative pregnancy tests to show for it. I ovulated later this month, for some bizarre reason. I have had cramping for the past 3-4 days, but no period. I had been so incredibly positive these last few days, but with today's negative tests I'm losing hope. I came home with a headache. I'm just so....tired. Tired of the hoping, tired of the waiting. Tired of being let down. Tired of the wishful thinking. Tired of the questions. Tired of going back to the doctor again and again. Tired of feeling like I have failed. I'm just to point where I don't know what to do. I'm trying everything we can do at this point - clomid, femara, ovidrel, IUIs, and acupuncture. Why is this so hard? I just want to be a mom. It feels like such a far away thing at this point.

AARRRGGGHHHH

I have to go in for a 3rd ultrasound tomorrow. My follicles weren't big enough when I was at my appointment on Saturday.

TTC for 16 cycles...

I am on CD 14 right now. I have to go in for a second ultrasound tomorrow morning. When I went in on Thursday, I had 2 follicles. Both were at 13 mm. Not big enough. I have never ovulated this late before - it's very weird. Oh well. My IUI will probably be on Monday.

We're trying Femara again this month. We'll see if it works for us. This is my second time trying it.

Tomorrow is my pg blood test. I think it's going to be negative. My temperature dipped down today, so unless it shoots back up again tomorrow morning, I'm out.

I feel lousy. Sore throat and I'm exhausted. I wish I had cancelled the blood test.

The wait

I'm in the 2 week wait right now. I'm probably about 5-6 dpo. I had a blood test for my progesterone done yesterday and the results were fine. The RE's office wants me to come in for a blood pregnancy test next Saturday. I don't think I want to go. I feel so sad when I get the phone call to tell me that I'm not pregnant. I'm thinking that I may cancel the appointment and just call them to schedule one if I'm actually late. It might save me a little bit from feeling so hurt.

Haven't posted in a while...

We have moved onto Cycle 15. I am trying a different drug, Femara, this month. I had pretty bad hot flashes, but emotionally I seemed to do better. Clomid made me feel pretty bad. I will go in for an ultrasound on Saturday and then we'll see when we can do an IUI. I'm hoping we can do it on Monday. Otherwise, I will be starting back to school, and it will be very difficult to get into the doctor's office for an appointment.

I am pretty disappointed that it didn't happen for us last month. We both thought that it might be our month. It's hard to stay positive.

Ouch

I had my ultrasound this morning. It's cycle day 13. I had 2 follicles - one is at 22 and the other is at 16. The nurse said the 16 might grow enough to be released. Tonight I have to give myself a trigger shot of Ovidrel at 9pm. Then I'll wait until Thursday for my IUI. I have had bad ovulation pain all day - hopefully both of the follicles will be released.

Kind of rough day

Just having a hard time with the Clomid. I've been so weepy and have had hot flashes. I'm going to the RE tomorrow. Hopefully, she will have some type of game plan for us. I'm considering taking a break for 3 months to see if the acupuncture/herbs work. I'm going to talk to the doc and see what she thinks. It's a lot to decide and I'm worried about making a bad decision.

The future

It is very hard for us to understand why trying to have a baby has taken so long. We never dreamed that we would have problems once we decided we were ready. Now, here we are, a year later, 14 cycles, and our baby is still not here. It's so hard - this feeling like that special little person is missing from our lives. We don't even know him or her - have never met - but there is such a void.

I want to be able to talk about it, but I think it's hard for people to understand, especially if you have not gone through this. Every month we get excited about the possibility and every cycle for 14 cycles we have been let down. Every month I have cried. Every month Steve has had to console me and I him. It's so hard. I feel broken in a way. We still don't know what is wrong. We're diagnosed with "unexplained infertility." We've gone through so much and the journey may just be beginning for all we know.

I have spoken to my gynecologist. I had bloodwork done, and she has tested my LH, my FSH, my prolactin. She suggested having an HSG done. While the test is usually not so bad for most people, it was incredibly painful for me. (Dye is shot up through your fallopian tubes to see if they are clear.) Even though I had so much pain, everything was clear. We were told that for the 3 cycles after the HSG you are supposed to be at your most fertile.

My doctor tried me on a month of Clomid to try to increase the number of follicles/eggs I was producing. Nothing worked. My gynecologist couldn't do anything else for us. She referred us to a reproductive endocrinologist. She spoke with us for a long time about very personal issues - our health, our organs, our history, our relationship - and then decided to go with a protocol of Clomid, a trigger shot of Ovidrel, and IUIs (intra-uterine-insemination.) IUIs are a form of AI - artificial insemination.

So each month for the past 2 months (and for this month) I take Clomid and I have to go in for repeat ultrasounds to make sure that I don't have any leftover cysts and that I have new follicles that are growing. Then when I'm ready, I have to inject myself with a needle full of a drug that will regulate when I ovulate. That way it will be timed for when I have the IUI. And then we wait.

The whole process is very expensive. Our insurance will not cover the procedures themselves. If we have to move onto IVF, I am not sure how we will do it. Loans, maybe. I don't know.

I also started to see an acupuncturist for our infertility issues. He was referred to me by my R.E. He's been great. He's also shown me how changing my diet and taking a few supplements may actually help my body become ready to have a baby. It's possible that my poor circulation (cold hands, cold feet, cold nose) could be related to why we haven't gotten pregnant yet. So I'm also trying a healthier diet, and I need to exercise more.

So, that's where we are. Next Thursday I'll go in to see my RE again and to come up with a game plan for the next 3 months. I don't know what she'll say...she may decide to add injectables to our routine. That's even more shots that I'll have to give myself! Fun.

I guess I needed to write all this down. Maybe if you're reading this you'll understand a bit better what we're going through. It's hard. Very very hard.

First Blog

This is the first time I have ever written in a blog before. I thought that it might be a good place for me to write down my feelings about what has been going on with us for the past year. We have been trying to have a baby and have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We have started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist to try to figure out why we haven't been able to get pregnant.

We're both very hopeful that we will have a baby one day, but it has been very difficult at times. Maybe writing about it will make the harder days a little bit easier.