Friday, August 1, 2008

How Strong is Strong Enough?

I just read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch right after our IVF didn't work. I loved the book, but one particular part stood out to me the most. Pausch was speaking about obstacles that prevent you from reaching your dreams. In his words,

“…brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something.”

Within the past week one of my sisters and a couple of our friends have said how strong they think we are. I have to admit that I haven't felt very strong at all in recent weeks.

Lately I feel like my feelings get hurt very easily. I go into self-preservation mode. I'm really worried that we will go through this IVF and it won't work. I'm not so worried about the going-through part of it...we've been through that part twice. That feels like old hat. The needles, the injections, the side effects - that doesn't really worry me. I'm worried about the call at the end of the
2 week wait. The call that I've gotten 6 times so far - after 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs. The call that I don't want to get anymore.

Part of me is still hopeful this will work. I think that would have to be the case, or I wouldn't be signing up for another round. I'm hopeful that my doctor knows what she's doing. I'm glad that she's willing to be more aggessive and try "newer" things. I feel like she hasn't given up on us, so why should we?

So for now, I'll try to find some strength each day. I think I can find that in the hopes of our families and of our friends. I know I can find it in my husband. He jokes and says that I am "a rock." I think he's the one who is the rock - he has been so supportive throughout the last two years (and during the last 15 years that I've known him.) Sometimes you can't find all of the strength in yourself and that's okay. Sometimes you need to let others be strong for you.


Suzanne said...

This was a really good post. I think we all question if we can find the strength to continue and whether we are capable of dealing with more. Somehow, we do it. I think our desires and will to have biological children are stronger than our fears of the outcome and that helps to drive us. As long as we have hope, we'll keep trying.

P.S. - I like this template the best so far! And, thanks for posting the approved meds during IVF. My allergies are killing me today and I was wondering what to take.

TTCinDC said...

I like this template too.

This is a really great and very thoughtful post. I love that line about the brick walls being ways we can show how much we want something -- it's so, so true. I struggle with why ttc is so "easy" for others and so hard for DH and me. I've spent a good portion of the last several years being angry and feeling like the world is not fair -- but you are so right that this is not healthy and is not doing me any favors. Thanks for your thoughtful commentary.

Hope2morrow said...

You are strong! You are strong! You are so very, very strong! But it is also nice to have someone to lean on during the days when we cant pull it together! Best of luck on this next round!

Lost in Space said...

Wendy, you are so very strong. You may not feel it, but others feel it around you. In knowing what you are going through, you give your sister and IRL friends and Internet friends strength. We are all here to give the same right back to you.

I completely understand going into self-preservation mode. When we did our first cycle I thought the needles in the belly would be the worst of it. Those were a breeze compared to the emotional journey of IVF and IF.

I am so very hopeful that this is the one for you. Hang in there.

Shelby said...

Hi Wendy,
I'm new to reading your blog and wish you the best of luck with your next IVF. I know how it feels...having to focus your energy directly into keeping on the path, staying strong and trying not to be angry at the universe. It's exhausting, but you're doing it! I look forward to reading more!